look out girls...

I can’t even count how many times I have seen it.  A guy that looks just like sexy underpants dude here gets with a hot Filipina girl.  It used to drive me crazy.  Half of the men look like WWII vets (some probably are).  I always wanted to work out why the girls went for it.  Growing up in the Philippines I would often point out these odd looking couples and ask for explanations. Here’s what I’ve heard over the years.

They’ve got a family to feed – OK so this is simultaneously the saddest and most cynical reason for why Filipinas get with old white guys – the family at home that needs US dollars.  It’s no secret, it happens all the time. 

They aren’t necessarily just in it for the green card – But here’s the deal, you would be mistaken to label these women as regular gold-diggers.  There’s a lot more to it.  If they are originally from the Philippines the white guy represents liberation, adventure and access to the wider world, it’s not just money. 

They probably won’t divorce him once they have the papers – It’s hard to find women that are more faithful and caring than Filipinas.  There are exceptions to every rule, of course, but Filipina women tend to make really good spouses.  They are loyal, do not come from a divorce-prone culture and many of them have religious (read: Catholic) reasons for not treating marriage lightly.

They know they can do better – They aren’t stupid either.  Attractive Filipina women are some of the most liberated in Asia and they know that they have options.  Don’t look down at them for dating or marrying old white guys.  They have most likely thought through their options carefully and this one happens to make sense to them.

“Exotic” is in the eye of the beholder – she may think he is hot – There’s something about scarcity that changes the dynamics of attraction significantly.  Part of the draw of the while male to a Filipina is the fact that he is different and somewhat of a mystery.  That may be enough to make him very attractive.

They look prettier next to him – And then there’s the possibility that reality is even more simple:  women like to look better than their men.  You can’t lose with an ugly white dude.

They may actually like him – It’s easy to get cynical about the state of international romance.  But don’t forget that genuine love is also an option.  I am married to a Filipina girl.  We are very much in love.  But then SHE is the American and I the immigrant:)

The grass is always greener – You run into the kind of Filipina girl who is sick of Filipino guys every once in a while.  Their own kind bores them.  It happens with people from every culture.  Their own culture is yawn-inducing to them and they are convinced that their ideal mate is from somewhere else.

They dig white guys – Finally, some Filipinas just plain like white guys.  And thank God for that.

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Bjorn Karlman

What is the American Dream?  Traditional answers included any of the following:

1) White picket fences

2) Your own huge house

3) At least two cars

4) Being Number One

Excuse me while I yawn.  

Childhood Dreams

Growing up in the Philippines I was absolutely sold on the American Dream.  I remember being depressed and incredibly down as a 12 year-old when my family moved from the US to Europe for work-related reasons.  Somehow I knew  that America was the ultimate destination, that the American Dream was real and that I could have it.

Coming to America (Again)

I was incredibly excited to get to study in the US for college.  I could not wait to get my shot at the American life.  I took to my studies with some serious rigor and networked like a madman trying to track down all the best internship or work opportunities.  I found an employer that was willing to hire me and file expensive paperwork for me straight out of college.  I was on the verge of the American Dream.  I was making it!  Or so I thought.

Not so hot

I had come to the US in 2001 right before 9/11.  In the decade that followed, terrorism and America’s response to it put at damper on the allure of America.  Somehow life in the United States looked less attractive.  The balance of power and wealth in the world was shifting.  China was rising.  It passed Japan as the second largest economy in the world.  Other non-traditional players were emerging – South Korea, India, Brazil.  A lot of the members of the international intelligentsia that previously contributed to brain drain from other countries were choosing not to come to the US.

And then Came the Recession

I moved up to Northern California for my second job in 2008 as world economies were crashing and everyone was foretelling Armageddon.  America was on the brink of another depression.  Even illegal immigration was down and the worldwide opinion of American was not nearly what it had been.  Not much has improved despite the hope so many had during the last election cycle.

Here’s the Thing Though…

But I am not giving up yet.  Call it brainwashing or naivete, I still believe that the US will rebound.  The recent dip in the unemployment rate, a recovered auto industry and a few other flickers of hope on the American economic horizon are a few near-tangibles but there is something far more powerful that I am banking on:  American can-do-it-ness.  If there is one thing that has defined the American experience so far it is this:  AMERICA ALWAYS COMES BACK.  This is not a bet against the rest of the world or a patriotic plug for American imperialism.  Power has limits and there is nothing wrong with adapting with the times.  But here’s what I can say with confidence:  I truly believe that America is a uniquely resilient country.  Will it go the way of Rome?  Maybe.  But I am not convinced we have to resign ourselves to the cynical reading of history that armchair political prophets indulge.  Failure does not have to be inevitable.  Let’s rise above that kind of thinking.  Let’s remember that a colony threw off the chains of tyranny not so long ago and rose to heights unparalleled.  Let’s remember that slavery was abolished.  Let’s remember Normandy.  Let’s remember the bridge at Selma.  Let’s remember that preacher from Atlanta.  Let’s remember the man on the moon.  Let’s remember the Berlin Wall.

The American Dream doesn’t need to be shallow and materialistic.  Let it instead be an unflagging belief in the future and our capacity to work for something better.

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Bjorn Karlman

Checking in towards the end of my first full day in Canada…

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Bjorn Karlman

I seriously hate being an immigrant.

Right now, not even the fact that I am married to an American is not going to save me the $1000 plus that I will blow on another international trip to an American consulate to get a visa stamped in my passport (I haven’t gotten my green card yet).  I have to leave the country and get this visa stamp if I hope to travel internationally and re-enter the United States with permission to work.  Absurd.  Hence the dour look on my face as I write this at Starbucks in Terminal B in Sacramento International Airport.

I am not yet ready to look at the bright side of all this (there may be some happier immigration-related posts later this week if my rendezvous at the US Consulate in Calgary goes as planned.)  So for now, let’s wallow in pessimism and complain about the crappy state of the immigration process in seven, rambling points:

1)  There are too many jokes about immigrants – starting with my wife Jammie’s joke that I have blogged about before.  She LOVES asking, “Why am I  the one who looks like I need the green card,” really enjoying the irony of the Filipina who is this white boy’s ticket to America.

2)  Life is always more complicated for immigrants – ever since I was in college it has been the SAME story – you’ve got to jump through ALL these hoops if you want to study/live in the US.  Depending on where you are from, the paperwork and the uncertainty surrounding whether or not you will get a student visa is absolutely exhausting.

3)  Immigration to the United States (or anywhere, for that matter) is BEYOND humiliating – When I finally arrived at my American school I had to go to something called International Student Orientation where they shared gems like “take daily showers and wear deodorant.”  Welcome to America indeed.

4)  Immigrants are always at the mercy of the host country – I remember landing in Chicago after a trip back to the UK for Christmas.  An airport official at the immigration desks started yelling at the huge crowd of non-US travelers that were lined up, immigration forms in hand, trying to get in the country.  It was as though we were a crowd of misbehaving school children.  I raised my hand and asked if she was going to do anything about the fact that the super slow immigration officials were causing people to miss their flights.  The collective humiliation of being yelled at as a crowd quickly became personal as she directed her plump ire at me, pontificating on about how we were just going to have to “wait our turn.”  I complained heartily to their customer service people and missed the last bus to Michigan.

5)  Being an immigrant is ALWAYS more expensive – If it were not for the fact that I got lucky and have worked for extremely generous employers, I would be completely broke at this point.  The paper work that has been filed for me to work in the US on a professional non-immigrant H-1B (too confusing to go into the reasoning behind this category here) visa has cost about $15,000 and I have only worked in the United States for five years.  It is absolutely ridiculous.  Having a legal immigration status is immensely costly.  And we wonder why we have a problem with illegal immigration.

6)  The life of an immigrant feels like one long interview process – Living under the constant threat of deportation for the slightest infraction is hardly a great way to enjoy the American life.  It is super stressful.  I have my THIRD immigration interrogation in five years this Tuesday at the US consulate in Calgary just so I can get a visa stamped in my passport for which my employer has already spent thousands of dollars.

7)  You are at the mercy of politicians – It is not ordinary Americans that are causing all of this drama.  It is a completely inefficient Congress.  Immigration comes up in every election cycle, especially in the border states.  Good immigration news is the number one issue in many voters’ minds.  But let’s be real, does anything constructive EVER happen?  It certainly doesn’t feel like it.  Immigration problems are here to stay.

OK, enough negativity for now.  On Tuesday we look at whether or not it is worth immigrating to the United States anymore.

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Bjorn Karlman

me proposing to Jammie... a big move that could not wait:)

Are you sitting on a big decision right now?  Are you putting it off because it is just a little too scary?  It probably has the potential to change your life, right?  A choice between jobs.  The question of whether to go back to school.  The decision of whether or not to get married.  It’s intimidating.  And often the excuse that you and I give ourselves for putting it off is timing.  We convince ourselves that a little more time will somehow improve our set of life circumstances, that we will be wiser or the future will be clearer if we just wait a little longer.

And yes, this can be true at times.  But more often than not, immediate action is your answer.  Don’t put your life on hold any more.  As Tim Ferriss, in his lifestyle design rhetoric stresses, The timing is never right.  There will never be a better time to start living a courageous life.  It is time for us to DO something.  As CultureMutt is about savvy, global do-gooding, this post will focus on beating timing related stalling over big life decisions.

Acknowledge the fear

Each time I decided to do something unconventional involving international relocation I have had to face my own fears.  Am I just escaping?  Will I fall behind everyone else?  What if I fail at my assignment / language learning / relationship building?  Do I have what it takes?  Will I lose my friendships at home?  These questions are scary because they deal with the unknown and because they address the possibility of failure.  What I have found each time is that none of these questions are unhelpful in themselves.  They are worth asking and it is important to work out contingency plans and to face any adventure with the right mindset – as an adventure of growth rather than as a cowardly escape.  But the fact that these are valid questions does not mean that you should spend forever agonizing over them.  Don’t put off these questions for a “better time”.  Feel the fear, deconstruct it by writing down answers to the scary questions and talking the fear over with friends.  But DO NOT let it slow you down.

Face your worst-case scenario

How bad would it be if the worst thing possible took place?  There are always dangers and perils that threaten you.  Picture yourself living the worst-case scenario.  More often than not, the disaster scenario still leaves you with a pulse, correct?  Delaying your life over timing dilemmas WILL NOT HELP.  In reality, calm steps and smart thinking would allow you to dig yourself out of your potential mess.  On the other hand, the blue sky scenario or even an average result of your big bold step can often pay off huge.  I often think of famous people that made risky decisions that paid off.  I imagine how they processed the risks – their fears and doubts.  And then I think about what they would do in my shoes.  I am often a little embarrassed when I realize how much more bold they would be, living a day in my life.

Make decisions in your happy place

Hands-down one of my best decision making periods is the cool-down period after a run.  I currently have a little stress-busting routine that I indulge in several times a week – I run out to my local airport (just over 2 miles) and then I walk back.  The run out helps me build up a sweat and mull over frustrations and fears.  And the cool down period on the walk home is this period of extreme clarity when I think better than I have all day – it is as if a mental haze lifts and I am able to dream big and make bold decisions.  I trust the decisions I make directly after runs a lot more than I trust decisions made out of the aggravations of the everyday grind.  Find what works for you and make your decisions about overseas relocation, service and travel from a happy, relaxed, endorphin-charged place. Make courageous decisions, not jaded, tired, procrastination-laden ones.

Take tiny steps in the right direction

One of my best friends and I attracted a lot of eye rolling a few years back when we came up with what we called the “non-negotiables”.  We each came up with a list of things we HAD to do every week day.  I think my list (which included things like “go running”, “study Mandarin”, “start learning to play the piano”, etc) translated to 5-7 hours of work a day, on top of my full-time job.  Some of it was fun.  I was living in a grimy part of Hollywood at the time but I would go running on a four mile loop that included the Hollywood Walk of Fame.  But the crazy hours and sleep deprivation soon caught up with us.  We tried to help each other out – my buddy showed me some of the piano basics and I helped him with his French vocab but within a couple weeks when another friend asked us about the non-negotiables, my buddy summed up our progress with, “well they’ve become a little more negotiable.”

Looking back, the deliberate steps toward self-improvement were not the problem but the required steps were too big.  Whenever I’ve forced myself to take small yet intentional steps towards a goal, it has paid off though.  Little steps can be taken now, you don’t have to wait for the “right timing”.  Take the step and accomplish something!

Track your efforts

Lately I’ve become a tracking nerd.  I’ve noticed that tracking almost anything means that you will do better and better at it.  I track how much I run, how often I post on CultureMutt and how much I weigh among other things.  Seeing the numbers does something very valuable – it makes me compete against myself.  Where previously I’ve been putting things off out of fear, now I am constantly trying to best yesterday’s efforts at achieving the goal.  It is fun and it is satisfying – especially because it allows me to see my own progress over time.

Decide right now that the time is right for you to start living your generous, intentional, international life.  We each have it in us to move past timing-related excuses to the courageous, fulfilling life of action that lies ahead.

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Bjorn Karlman

look behind the cool, front exterior to Mr. Lonely:)

There comes a time for any and every traveler when thoughts of family,  friends, warm familiar faces and a trusted community become overwhelming.  Yes, traveling can be exhilarating and liberating.  It can be one of the most exciting forms of adventure in life.  But at some point the adrenaline dies, you struggle to find stamina and you wonder why you are half way across the world from everything you know and call home.  It all gets pretty melancholy and depressing.  You start getting resentful of your Lonely Planet guide books as they start taking on a whole new meaning. I’ve been there a few times and there were a few things that helped me bounce back.  Here’s my list:

Call your parents

This may seem obvious but most of us probably don’t do it enough.  Especially when I was away on my first major trip to the Philippines at 16, I waited too long to call home.  I think I was trying to save money and stick to letters and emails.  It was 1997 and international calls were very pricey.  I remember that I finally caved and called home collect!  It probably cost my parents a fortune but I felt a whole lot better after the call:)
Go on a run or play sports

The surge of endorphins that comes from vigorous physical activity makes it hard to remain depressed and lonely.  I have always liked running so I often take off running all over a new city.  This serves two key purposes – I get a decent workout and I get to know the town better.  A tip on this one – by running early in the morning you skip the traffic and it is safer than running late at night.  You’ll soon be able to fine tune the timing. In Seoul, for example, I quickly found that even 30 minutes made a huge difference in terms of how much time you had to spend dodging cars and pedestrians.

Playing soccer or basketball or whatever with the locals can be even more fun than solitary running.  I used to love playing soccer with some of my Argentine friends in Buenos Aires.  The exercise high, the camaraderie, the forced language acquisition and the easy access factor (most locals will not turn you down if want to join a casual game) combined for an awesome Sunday morning.  PLUS, you get invited to come back – you have FRIENDS:)

Forget being culturally authentic and go find the closest expat magnet restaurant

This may seem like a strange suggestion on CultureMutt but this really works.  Once in a while, it IS worth tracking down a Hard Rock Cafe or whatever the local tourist sellout location is.  Not only will the food taste familiar but you are also likely to run into other expats and travelers that are also craving a taste of the familiar.  Sometimes a conversation with someone from your part of the world, even if he or she is a complete stranger, can be just the spark you needed.  A word of caution here though – it is easy to become a lazy expat, to decide that you are only going to hang out with expats and that you are somehow “above” the local culture.  This robs you of the benefits of travel and you may as well book your flight home if you have mentally checked out of being abroad.

Find an organization that you were part of at home

I have experimented a lot with this one, mainly in the form of hunting down churches.  It also works if you are part of an international service club or anything similar.  You’ll find that religious and service organizations have a distinct culture that is often fairly consistent all over the world.  If you are a member in Europe or stateside, you will generally be just as welcome in Tokyo or Lima, maybe even more so because you are the “new arrival”.  I’ve often been lucky and been taken home for lunch and city tours, just for taking the trouble to find a church.

Book a night at the craziest hostel in town

Hostels are amazing places.  Not only are they cheaper and often friendlier than high-end hotels, they are full of adventure-loving travelers that are out to have the best time of their lives.  I remember having a total blast with a random Swiss guy I met in Vancouver, BC when I was there to take care of some paper work at the American consulate.  I met him at a hostel I found for $10 Canadian a night and he turned out to be a great tour guide and a very entertaining storyteller.  Similarly, I met a whole international group of hostel dwellers (including two fellow Swedes) in Buenos Aires when I first moved there and within days we were conquering the city together.

Volunteer on a service project

There are few things that combat depression and loneliness quite as effectively as a good service project.  Savvy, global do-gooding, right?  Doing things to help other people makes you feel good.  And often the people that are drawn to these projects are interesting, altruistic, happy types that make for great company.  My wife, Jammie often talks about how easy it was to make friends with other English teachers in Korea because everyone felt like they were on a happy, service-driven adventure and was open to new friends and new adventure.
I hope this helps.  In my time on the trail I’ve used all of the above to overcome loneliness and I’ve seen others do the same.  There are always those that give and go home because they are lonely and miss home too much. But if you have invested money and time in planning an extended overseas adventure, it makes sense to do all you can to reap the full benefit.  You can do it.  So stand up, dust yourself off and step out of the internet cafe you’re holed up in and start enjoying your life on the trail again.

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Bjorn Karlman

So, in my last post I started to talk about the marriage of convenience and how, in my bachelor days, I was either worried of being accused of this kind of immigration/marriage fraud or being duped by some international golddigger who married me for the wrong reasons.  I promised a list or red flags to look out for if you are trying to avoid someone scamming you like this.  A complete list would stretch for miles but here are a few (and yes, forgive the obviously tongue-in-cheek entries):

You found her on any kind of mail order bride service. I’m not kidding.  These sites/catalogs are WAY to common.  I met a guy in a northern Philippine town and we struck up a conversation over mango pie at Jollibee.  He was from Utah, was missing teeth and seemed to drive his wife crazy with almost everything he said.  When she left to go to the rest room he told me she was a mail order bride.  Classy.
She his hot, young and from a developing country and you are old, fat and from a developed country. We have all seen this and it is easy to spot in others but not always as easy to see when you are the aging chubster.  Not to be looks-obsessed but be wary of model types climbing all over you on vacation, they’ll divorce you just as quick when they have grown enough roots stateside.
He or she asked you if you were a citizen of the US, any EU country or other rich country before taking the time to flirt with you further. This happened to ME a few years ago and since I was hyper-sensitive about this I immediately was suspicious of what otherwise seemed an innocent enough encounter.
His family was too eager to encourage the romance. Gold diggers can work as families.  When I worked in a Filipino fishing village I had a father implore me to marry his daughter.  I was 16 and clueless but even then it seemed a little too obvious.  I was the entire family’s ticket to a wealthier life.
Conversation always shifts to leaving country of origin. Pay attention to how often conversation shifts to border hopping.  It can be a veritable obsession for some.
He pushes for a speedy marriage. This may seem flattering but recognize it for what it is.  He may not be as head over heels for you as he is with the idea of a one-way ticket to your country.
Your romance has been brokered by someone who you met on vacation who promises to introduce you to someone, “beautiful’, “sexy”, etc. It happens all the time and this can be exciting.  Often the broker delivers too.  He or she is hot.  But make not mistake.  The broker will get a cut of the winnings one way or another.  And you will be paying.
Too much emphasis on filling out those immigration forms. Refuse to talk about embassies, consulates, immigrations papers or anything of the sort until you are convinced that this tropical romance is the real deal.
In all seriousness, if it is too late and you are already married to the fraudster, check out this site and get help:  http://www.immigrationfraudvictims.com/index.html
By the same token, it IS possible to over-think all of this.  I don’t work for the USCIS (U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services)  These posts were not intended to make you paranoid or xenophobic in your approach to international relationships.  International romance is a good thing.  Do not let the mere fact that you and your potential spouse are from different countries prevent you from finding and growing real love.  That would be a tragedy.  Just be savvy.  One more thing.  Here’s a list of the questions that may come up if you are in a US Citizen / foreign immigrant marriage.  It doesn’t hurt to be prepared:)
A list of likely questions that an immigration officer will ask you if you are suspected of immigration fraud
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Bjorn Karlman

About a year after finishing college in the US, I was working in the Los Angeles area and my US work papers expired.  I was stuck because my new visa had not arrived and a 60-day countdown began at the end of which I would have to leave the country or lose my legal immigration status.

I remember sharing the dilemma with my Rotary Club at one of our weekly meetings.  I could not believe what happened next.  I literally got an offer from one of the members: “My daughter and I cooperate on many different levels, we’ll work out a marriage between the two of you if need be,” said the Rotary member.  I stammered a “thank you” to the offer and immediately started plotting how to politely tell her I’d rather go back to Europe than marry her daughter for papers.  Luckily, by day 51 I had my papers and I was able to dodge the awkward follow-up conversations.

Fast forward to now.  I married my wife Jammie about three months ago.  She loves giving me crap about the fact that I am still on a visa as a Swede living in the United States.  She is an American citizen of Filipino decent so she keeps asking me “Why do I look like I am the one that needs the green card?”  The line always gets a laugh because of the apparent role reversal.  Ever since I stepped foot on US soil for college more than a decade ago, the issue of the “green card marriage” or marriage of convenience has been joked about and for the longest time I swore that I would not marry an American for exactly that reason.  I never wanted to be suspected of getting hitched for papers.

Neither did I want to marry someone else that just wanted my papers.  Although not quite their American counterpart, European Union passports are also highly sought-after, as is the mere opportunity to work within the EU.  So I was always on the lookout while traveling to look out for any ulterior motives in potential romances.

What is the best litmus test when you are trying sort real love from immigration desperation?  I’d love to have your ideas.  Leave a comment or contact me @culturemutt on Twitter.  My next post will have some of my ideas for red flags that you should look out for when contemplating international relationships.

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Bjorn Karlman

Had enough of the Tea Party tirades against Barack Obama?  For some perspective, take a look at what the rest of the world thinks about the United States since Obama took office:

“People around the world today view the United States more positively than at any time since the second Iraq war,” says international polling firm GlobeScan’s chair Doug Miller, after a study conducted in partnership with the Program on International Policy Attitudes (Pipa) at the University of Maryland.  The BBC notes that there can be little confusion as to the cause for this surge in popularity as the uptick in approval ratings coincided (roughly) with Barack Obama becoming president.  The improvement has been drastic and unquestionable: “America’s influence in the world is now seen as more positive than negative,” (Click here for a look at the graph) says the BBC of the results of the survey of 30,000 people in 28 countries.

There are of course going to be the isolationist, deadbeat, know-nothing boobs who shrug at this and claim that world opinion and active diplomacy do not matter.  To a chump of this breed, “us and them” thinking dominates and the outside world is willed away.  Whether they are attention whores waving their home-made signs of xenophobic desperation at anti-immigration rallies or whether they indulge in Rush/Beck/Hannity bulimia – force feeding themselves with ultra-right propaganda and then projectile vomiting, booty grazing style, across their sturdy white picket fences – the viability of their shortsighted thinking is quickly fading.

“They’ll just say that this is further proof that Obama is selling America to his wicked, socialist brethren in the empire of Europe,” said a commenter on the Rachel Maddow Blog.  These antediluvian, paranoid wrecks are as quick to fire off the “s” word as a high school sophomore is to boyfriend drop in every hallway conversation.  Newsflash: Working for better quality of life at home and reaching out diplomatically abroad is not socialism.  It is common sense.

“The idea that a better reputation abroad is meaningless uplift is foolish. It helps the US leverage its power to greater ends. The more popular the US is, the likelier it is to have a positive impact on other countries’ leaders. ” (Andrews Sullivan, The Atlantic)

Sullivan makes the point that the American face-lift began in 2007 , “when Cheneyism was in retreat, when Rice and Gates were beginning to reorient the US away from militarist adventurism, when the surge was beginning to tamp down violence in Iraq, and when the Supreme Court had begun to push back on the presidential power to torture at will. But it’s also worth noting that the gain in respect endures and strengthens as Obama holds office, at a time when every other country’s reputation is declining.”

No courtesy fart was needed after the last administration’s train wreck of a foreign policy.  We needed change.  The massive work of diplomatic reparation was before us.  And in place of cowboyish black and white rhetoric came a more nuanced approach to international collaboration:

“We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things.  The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history. … Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America. … As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals. … America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and we are ready to lead once more. … To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history, but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.”   – President Barack Obama’s Inaugural Address.

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Bjorn Karlman