The happy couple

Last week I flew to England to be the Best Brother (Maid of Honor) in my sister Karin’s wedding.

Almost exactly a year ago she had been Best Sister in my own wedding in LA so it was fun to have the role reversal.

I was a little nervous about my speaking role in the wedding because I hadn’t lived in Britain for a while and there are some definite cultural differences between California and the UK.  In addition to the Best Brother role, I was Emcee for the reception and I was concerned that I would mess up my speech or the transitions between different program elements.

In the end things worked out for the most part.  Here are some things I learned along the way:

1)  Mirror what is going on around you.

One of the things I was hyper-aware of was the fact that because I am a naturally loud person I could very easily be perceived as the brash American.  I’ve heard it said that Americans communicate through overstatement and the English through understatement.  I did my best to “tone down” my remarks accordingly.  I only partially succeeded in the end.

2)  Say less than is necessary.

I freaked out when, ON THE DAY OF THE WEDDING, I timed my Best Brother speech and it was over three times longer than it was supposed to be.  I kept trimming away at it and luckily it did not end up being the longest speech at the wedding.  Especially when communicating in cross-cultural context, less is more.  Going too long may be perceived as cultural insensitivity or imperialistic bullishness, especially if you have an American accent.  If your remarks are being translated in real time it is even more important to cut the length down drastically.

3)  Find a local sounding board

Luckily I had several English friends at the wedding that were willing to give me pointers on my speech prep and tell me how the emceeing was going day-of. They mocked my nasal American accent to bits but also offered very helpful advice on what kind of material would go down well with the crowd.  I will confess to stealing a joke or two and passing it off as original material…

4)  Dig for dirt tastefully

Luckily for me, Britain has a very developed “piss-taking” culture where outright insults aimed at friends are an accepted expression of camaraderie.  So it was fairly easy to cobble together enough dirt on the groom (based on restaurant chatter the night before) to spice up my Best Brother speech.  I will say, however, that when I have tried to use the same piss-taking approach in the United States, some Americans have been offended at what they deem unnecessary trash talk.  Know your audience.  What works here may not work there.

5)  If you have a foreign-sounding accent…

I mentioned this earlier but this bears repeating: accents are significant.  They can be a barrier or a facilitator in cross-cultural communication.  To get around anti-American sentiment in Europe, I often joke about my American accent and issue fake apologies for it.  This typically goes down well.  Whether or not you decide to point out your different accent, be sure to proceed confidently with your material.

Me and my pal Kayla, the flower girl

You are who you are and they can deal with it.

6)  Piggyback

If at all possible, try to build common ground with an international audience as fast as possible.  If you can open your remarks with something funny someone else said at the wedding or if you can reference a popular point that a prior speaker made, do it.  Come across as the “reasonable” foreigner who gets it.  Even the staunchest nationalists will appreciate a “good” American/Brit/Swede – one that is not pushing a competing agenda and instead appreciates the local scene.

There’s a lot more that can be said but in the end commonsense and cool heads prevail.  International weddings are a lot of fun.  Don’t let the complexity of the intercultural dynamics scare you off.  There is all kinds of common ground to celebrate.  And in the end it’s not your day anyway, so relax.

LEAVE A COMMENT

LIKE CULTUREMUTT ON FACEBOOK

Bjorn Karlman

look out girls...

I can’t even count how many times I have seen it.  A guy that looks just like sexy underpants dude here gets with a hot Filipina girl.  It used to drive me crazy.  Half of the men look like WWII vets (some probably are).  I always wanted to work out why the girls went for it.  Growing up in the Philippines I would often point out these odd looking couples and ask for explanations. Here’s what I’ve heard over the years.

They’ve got a family to feed – OK so this is simultaneously the saddest and most cynical reason for why Filipinas get with old white guys – the family at home that needs US dollars.  It’s no secret, it happens all the time. 

They aren’t necessarily just in it for the green card – But here’s the deal, you would be mistaken to label these women as regular gold-diggers.  There’s a lot more to it.  If they are originally from the Philippines the white guy represents liberation, adventure and access to the wider world, it’s not just money. 

They probably won’t divorce him once they have the papers – It’s hard to find women that are more faithful and caring than Filipinas.  There are exceptions to every rule, of course, but Filipina women tend to make really good spouses.  They are loyal, do not come from a divorce-prone culture and many of them have religious (read: Catholic) reasons for not treating marriage lightly.

They know they can do better – They aren’t stupid either.  Attractive Filipina women are some of the most liberated in Asia and they know that they have options.  Don’t look down at them for dating or marrying old white guys.  They have most likely thought through their options carefully and this one happens to make sense to them.

“Exotic” is in the eye of the beholder – she may think he is hot – There’s something about scarcity that changes the dynamics of attraction significantly.  Part of the draw of the while male to a Filipina is the fact that he is different and somewhat of a mystery.  That may be enough to make him very attractive.

They look prettier next to him – And then there’s the possibility that reality is even more simple:  women like to look better than their men.  You can’t lose with an ugly white dude.

They may actually like him – It’s easy to get cynical about the state of international romance.  But don’t forget that genuine love is also an option.  I am married to a Filipina girl.  We are very much in love.  But then SHE is the American and I the immigrant:)

The grass is always greener – You run into the kind of Filipina girl who is sick of Filipino guys every once in a while.  Their own kind bores them.  It happens with people from every culture.  Their own culture is yawn-inducing to them and they are convinced that their ideal mate is from somewhere else.

They dig white guys – Finally, some Filipinas just plain like white guys.  And thank God for that.

LEAVE A COMMENT

LIKE CULTUREMUTT ON FACEBOOK

Bjorn Karlman

I’ll never forget it.  I was 16, working in a little village in the Cavite province of the Philippines, just outside Manila.  On this particular occasion I was at a Korean friend’s house.  I was joining about 10 other guys in repeatedly bowing down to a Korean grandmother.

The occasion was Korean New Year (the first day of the lunar calendar).  The bowing was part of an ancestral ritual called Sebae and was basically a way to show respect for elders.  With the grandma being the eldest person in the room, she was the object of our ceremonial bowing.

The ritual, the traditional hanbok dress that some of the crowd wore, and the absolutely amazing food that lay waiting made for a pretty unforgettable impression.

Thanks to the help of the truly horrifying iPhone AgingBooth app (and an effect from Instagram), I’ve taken a sneak peak at my future (opposite).  It’s wrinkled.

As much as this is a total gag app, it actually made me think.  Maybe it isn’t too far off.  Maybe that actually is how I will look at 65.

“Seeing” myself at 65 made me think of what I would want other parts of my life to look like.  Here’s a working list:

1)  Jammie and I have two kids: Boy and girl.  Hopefully some grandkids… but that is unlikely given the fact that WE don’t even have kids yet.

2)  Homeless:  We don’t live anywhere full-time.  Instead we have favorite hubs where we kick it.  Here’s a sublist of those places:  London, Los Angeles, Butte County (CA), Buenos Aires, Hong Kong, Manila.

3)  We see those closest to us a LOT:  One of my key complaints about life now is that, at best, Jammie and I see those closest to us a few times a year.  In the case of my family, it is like once or twice a year.  That isn’t good enough.  We have GOT to be more mobile.

3)  Jammie and I speak: Mandarin.  (To keep up with the kids who will have had a Mandarin-speaking nanny.)

4)  I’m looking back at a career that: Meant something and helped people.  Internationally.

5)  I’m still blogging for CultureMutt:  And I hope YOU are still reading and commenting:)

6)  I’m not scared of my age:  I work with a woman who volunteers in my office and is one of the sharpest, most elegantly dressed people I know.  Dorothy is 97.  I want to be her.

7)  I’m in marathon runner shape:  I have started running again and my goal is to get in shape for several marathons a year.  And keep it up.

8)  I am volunteering for something that requires inordinate amounts of public speaking:  Maybe it is because I joined Toastmasters (a truly superb, international, Public Speaking society with over a quarter million members worldwide) but I LOVE public speaking and take every opportunity I can get to get better at it.  Volunteer work involving public speaking would be great.

9)  I’m enrolled in a top-notch culinary institute:  I would love to go back to school at 65.  Something practical like chef’s credentials would be ideal.

I am sure I’ll add to the list but this is fine for now.  How would your list look?  Tell me in the comments.

LEAVE A COMMENT

LIKE CULTUREMUTT ON FACEBOOK

Bjorn Karlman

Two More Things…

1) We’ll be looking at the aging process from a multicultural perspective this week so be sure to check back in.

2)  At my last weigh-in, I had lost approx 13 lbs since I started my First Monthly Challenge.  This will be my last week of the juice / smoothie diet so I am looking for a strong finish and will keep you posted.

Seoul is exploding with activity.

I was last there a couple years ago and was blown away by the energy and sheer willpower on display.  Every weekday my roommates woke up at about 5:00 AM to rush to work and school respectively.  I would get in the spirit and go jogging down the streets of Gangnam-gu (Seoul’s Beverly Hills) before dawn and swarms of people would already be out, rushing to their first appointments. “Diligence” seemed to be the word on everyone’s lips.  People worked ridiculous hours.  School kids were in after-school classes until 8:00 PM or later at night.  The city never seemed to stop.  It blew my mind.

Facts like these had me mesmerized:

1) Koreans work the longest hours in the industrialized world.

2) The Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD) listed Koreans as spending the least time doing unpaid shopping each day (13 minutes) of all OECD country members.  (France had the most at 32 minutes… those slackers…)

3) Koreans spend more money per capita on education than any other country

4) Koreans, on average, take so little vacation time that, in 2010, the government felt the need to intervene and force government employees to submit plans to their bosses to take 16 days off that year. 

With this incredibly strong work ethic you would expend tremendous results.  And to be fair, since the Korean War, South Korea has risen to and joined the ranks of some of the most wealthy countries in the world.  However, all the hours and exertion don’t automatically translate into results.  Korean productivity ranks very low compared to other industrialized countries.

Why?  Check out these thoughts from Korean politician Moon Kook-hyun, head of the Creative Korea Party.

“Yes, sometimes we should work harder, but most times we should work smarter,”

“Government policies will determine whether Korea stays a muscle-based economy, or is upgraded to a knowledge-based economy,”

The habit of working long hours at low levels of productivity is “like brainwashing for Koreans,” he said. “Our leaders need to be disconnected from their former ways.”‘

So take a lesson from the Korean example.  Be diligent, by all means, but value results over dedication.  You have a life to live.

LEAVE A COMMENT

LIKE CULTUREMUTT ON FACEBOOK

Bjorn Karlman

Have any FOBS in your life?  “FOB” stands for Fresh Off The Boat and basically refers to a very recent immigrant.  Today’s post, comes at the end of a week dealing with friendships so what more fitting a way to finish up than to tackle the topic of FOB friends?  Here’s how you pick one out in a crowd:

1)  They are making a peace sign at the camera in every photo – OK so this definitely holds for Asian FOBS… don’t hate me for pointing it out.  My wife did it as a joke sometimes when we first started dating.  Then she went to work in Korea for 6 months and it is now her permanent pic pose.

2)  They will gladly tell you that you are fat. – Especially FOB parents your parents age have no problem hitting you straight.  For more on FOB parents, click here.

3)  They can be super polite and then super blunt – Typical lines from FOBS:  “Excuse me, Bjorn, but do you mind if I tell you something?  You are such a nice boy and this makes me “embarrass”.  But your hair looks no good.”  WOW.

4)  They seriously think Vicks can fix EVERYTHING – When I lived in the Philippines they had something like Vicks that was believed to have all kinds of powers.  You could use it for any ailment, just rub it on where it hurts… I used it for a stomach ache once when I was 11.  It worked.

5)  They are SUPER cheap in everyday life and then they throw the BIGGEST BIRTHDAY PARTIES you have EVER SEEN – FOBS can be NEXT LEVEL cheap.  Check out the Happy Slip video above of the mom sawing the paper towel roll in half.  This is TYPICAL.  But then you go to a bday bash and they have rented out a hot venue, there is a band, tons of food and the place is packed. HUH??!!

6)  They’ve got plastic on the furniture they bought years ago. – How this is supposed to help their living rooms I DO NOT KNOW but I have seen this quite a bit.  And the plastic is getting ratty…

7)  They are VERY superstitious – My grandma, an otherwise intelligent, grounded woman would swear up and down that there were “little people” that lived in the forest in Sweden.  She would defend this belief to anyone.  I have FOB friends that you would never want to take camping because they could tell you ghost stories that would make you wet yourself.

I know you’ve got your own FOB spotting tips.  Hit me with them in the comments.

LEAVE A COMMENT

LIKE CULTUREMUTT ON FACEBOOK

Bjorn Karlman

There’s nothing more miserable than feeling lonely and friendless while traveling or working abroad.  The tragic thing is that we often lose friends when abroad because we break some fundamental rules, often without meaning to.  Complete alienation is a sad, sad state and is to be avoided if at all possible.  To do so it helps to remember just how people lose friends.  Here’s a handy Top 10 List:

1)  Keep talking about how amazing it is back home – This one drives locals bonkers.  “Why did you come here if you were just going to talk about your amazing country all the time?”  It’s a valid question.  Blabbering on about your home country is insecure and discourteous.  Enjoy your host country for what it brings.  Wisconsin can be fully enjoyed in all its cheesy glory upon your return.

2)  Take it upon yourself to compare things to home – Here’s a related one that nevertheless needs to be emphasized.  NOBODY wants to know how big, small, cute, dirty or cramped the local transportation, monuments, stores or hotel rooms are compared to what you have at home.  Often these comparisons come across as patronizing and they are rarely appreciated.  Even if you are asked to compare something local to what you have at home, AVOID it, especially if there is any chance you will be perceived as looking down at the local scene.

3)  Be too eager – Don’t worry, if you have just arrived somewhere new you will eventually meet people and make friends.  Don’t be a desperate loser.  Over-eager types are avoided like the plague because they get exhausting on the trail.  Don’t be that person who pounces on locals or fellow travelers with a torrent of questions and over-enthusiastic talk about everything.

4)  Be a clingy life sap – Similarly, don’t be a leech.  Give your new friends some space.  You do not need to hang out with them 24/7.  Show some independence.  Go exploring on your own.  You don’t want to lose friends because you tire them out and never give them a break.

5)  Refuse to learn the language  - Nobody is saying you have to be fluent.  But don’t be so scared off by the local tongue that you don’t try to learn and use some of it.  By trying to speak the language you automatically endear yourself to locals.  You may think that you are going to embarrass yourself learning the new language.  You will.  But the damage of this is far less than if you refuse to learn and run the risk of looking elitist. 

6)  Only hang out with your kind – Abandon your comfort zone.  Do not hang out with only people from your country or only people that speak English.  This may be comfortable but by playing it safe you are shooting yourself in the foot.  You will ignore a ton of opportunities to interact with the amazing locals.

7)  Be a lifeless, unadventurous bore – This speaks for itself.  Take some risks, be adventurous.  Enjoy the unknown and try new things.  People will love you for it.

8)  Think you are a celebrity  - You may be lucky enough to get a lot of attention as the new arrival.  Don’t get a big head about it.  Be gracious.  Don’t take the attention for granted.  Use it to reach out to as many people as possible but don’t gloat about being the exotic new foreigner.  This gets old QUICK.  Make the best first impression possible.

9)  Don’t eat the local food – This happens with tourists all the time… they crowd around American fast food chains, pizza joints and Subway restaurants.  This is lame and is an apparent rejection of local cuisine.

10)  Get offended really easily – If you are an American or if you come from another major world power, get used to the fact that people are going to have a problem with some of your politicians and their policies.  Don’t let this get to you.  Expect it and learn to move on.  No point getting all bent out of shape.

How about you?  Lost any friends on the trail?  Let me know how in the comment section.

LEAVE A COMMENT

LIKE CULTUREMUTT ON FACEBOOK

Bjorn Karlman

Dodge the Patriotic Amnesia of expat circles - get out and explore on your own!

It doesn’t happen right away.  It often takes several months or even years.  But sooner or later, what I call Patriotic Amnesia sinks in with most expats and they start spouting this ridiculous drivel about their home country, forgetting that there is a reason they left in the first place.  They want you to believe that they are officially from Paradise.  They have conveniently forgotten about all the problems in their home country.  They paint a picture of this homeland as though it were flowing with milk and honey.  Things are always better where they are from.  You would never have to put up with this local nonsense in their country.  Things are bigger, better and more beautiful.  It is nauseating.  It is predictable.  And it is almost universal – almost any expat can slip into it.

Given the prevalence of this kind of rhetoric in expat communities, it helps to be prepared for when you have to sit through an agonizing session of Patriotic Amnesia.  Here are a few guidelines to bear in mind:

1)  At least 50% of what you hear may be nonsense but the expat is convinced it is true – You are not an idiot.  You realize that no country on earth can possibly live up to the extravagant near-poetic descriptions of grandeur that your nostalgic expat pal is treating you to.  But here’s the thing.  He or she has talked about home SO many times and with each telling the stories have gotten bigger and bolder.  By now, the teller of the tale actually believes in his own hyperbole.  It is touching and incredibly off at the same time.  Don’t call them on it.  Just nod and smile.

2)  Do not egg them on – Notice I said nod and smile.  This is supposed to convey respect but not a carte blanche for the outsized blathering to continue indefinitely.  I have made the mistake of saying too much and then suffering through excruciatingly long monologues in which they describe the heaven-on-earth that is their country.

3)  They need this – let them have their moment – But it really is a fine balance.  You can give them their moment, think of it as doing something nice for someone else.  Often the expat in question has been away from home for a really long time.  The things he or she describes is less a description of the actual country and more a personal creation of a place that somehow transcends present-day frustrations and limitations.  Let them have this and give them the satisfaction of at least a few minutes of your time, they will appreciate you for listening.

4)  Generally something is wrong – redirect them to the source – Let’s delve a little deeper into the above “present day frustrations and limitations”.  Your expat acquaintance may be waxing eloquent about home because they have been treated badly in the new host country.  Or they may be frustrated at their own lack of progress in the process of language acquisition or understanding local customs.  Try to detect what this source of frustration is and focus on helping them with that.  Maybe you can study the language together or hit a few museums or cultural centers that will speed your mutual learning about the country and its history.

5)   What are you doing hanging out with expats? – I don’t say this to encourage elitism or a “localer than thou” attitude but if what you are doing abroad revolves around other expats then you may as well have stayed at home.  Learn to wean yourself off of the complacent comfort zone of the part of the expat community that speaks English, insists on Continental breakfasts and refuses to “stoop” to any actual activity that would allow for a real appreciation for the local scene.  Find local friends and skip the embassy crowds.

LEAVE A COMMENT

LIKE CULTUREMUTT ON FACEBOOK

Bjorn Karlman