Partying hard in Hong Kong (bottom left)

I stuck out like a sore thumb.  I was this chubby, blond, sumo-looking kid growing up in Hong Kong.  As you can see in the picture opposite, I looked very different…

As if looks were not enough of a distinguishing factor, I was also being raised very differently from the Chinese norm.  From an early age (about 3), most kids in Hong Kong would start kindergarten and begin study in what was quickly becoming one of the most competitive educational systems in the world.

Competition for jobs and higher education in Hong Kong was (and is) fierce and linked closely to educational rank so there was a huge emphasis on educating children as quickly as possible.

This may have been the case in Hong Kong but my mother was of an altogether different, Swedish persuasion: kids should be kids and play outside for as long as possible.  They had their whole lives to be formally educated. So while my Chinese friends were running through math drills I was tearing around the neighborhood in my classy red pedal car.

I have come to look at this classic East/West division as the difference between the “pressure cooker” and the “crock pot” approach to childhood education.

Pressure Cooker

There were definite advantages to the pressure cooker style of education.  Kids were pushed through school as quickly as possible.  My Chinese childhood contemporaries were WAY ahead of me in reading, writing and math.  I mean there was no comparison because I basically couldn’t do any of it until I was seven years old.  I remember going over to friends’ houses and asking if they could play. And nope, they were studying.  It was an early experience in rejection and I took it stoically, as a Swede:)

Crock pot

The Swedish model that I was subjected to was different and fell more in line with the overall Western style of education where you start educating kids a little later.  Education then takes place at a more gradual (crock pot) pace.  Western kids don’t catch up with their Asian contemporaries educationally until late high school / undergraduate studies. I was almost seven when I started first grade and until then I had only gone to kindergartens that basically focused on socializing kids rather than giving them an academic head start.

Which System is Better?

I was happily surprised to meet some of my childhood friends from Hong Kong when I was in university in Michigan.  A few of us ended up at the same school and by then it looked as though the educational gap had closed some (although I am sure they could still run circles around me in math and the sciences).  The fact that each of us had chosen to come to the United States for college education, was, to me, significant.

Many of the Americans and Brits that I have talked to are completely convinced that their universities are the best in the world.  Maybe that is still the case.  Certainly Western tertiary educations are still in high demand and are well-respected around the world. The fact that English is very definitely the world language probably has a lot to do with this.  However, front runner status in terms of world educational systems will likely shift East as the balance of economic power shifts toward Asia. So the pressure cooker may win out over the crock pot in the end.  For now, maybe a hybrid of the two approaches is the way to go…

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My nephew JoJo

Meet my little nephew, JoJo (officially, Solomon Joseph but that didn’t stick).  He is “PAT” (Tagalog English for fat (using the word “PAT” was my Filipino brother-in-law’s idea)).  And he is the cutest baby ever.  Most of his powers of attraction are attributable to his one year-old fatness.

As much as every culture appreciates a chubby baby, there is something about the Filipino culture that just adores fat babies.  As I got to see JoJo this weekend, this post is dedicated to him:

Filipinos think fat babies are cutest – There are no two ways about it: whether or not a baby is stereotypically good looking, fatness is the deciding factor.  It is the x factor that changes everything.  In fact, a baby with less in the way of traditional “beauty” genes will generate more attention than one with more, if he or she is chubbier.  Kind of nice.

The highest compliment you can pay a baby is to say “Oh he/she’s so BIG” – Watch any Filipino gathering.  When Filipinos see their friends’ babies you are BOUND to hear some comment about how big the baby is.  Of course, people from other cultures will remark on children that have grown but there is something about the Filipino enthusiasm about the sheer size of babies and toddlers that is unique.  Don’t believe me?  Hit any Filipino potluck, grab a plate of pancit and watch.

They are always offering up food to the baby - Babies and toddlers are doted over and fed relentlessly.  The Filipino love affair with food must come from this early experience of growing up around food.  The mere experience of watching a baby being fed draws onlookers in the Filipino community.  Aunties, uncles, interested friends and random passersby will gather around the feeding baby:  “Look at him eat, he is so Pat !”

But they don’t like fat kids – There’s always a catch.  Once you turn 10, fatness is no longer a plus.  (Trust me, I was a chubby 10 year-old living in the Philippines and I got hell for it.)  You better hope on some kind of a growth spurt…. and the development of considerable musical and/or academic prowess.  The doting process has transitioned into a 20-year pressure cooker that, in the United States, had better result in your ascension to the loftier rungs of the medical field… but that’s another post.

I’ll close with this video of some of my Filipino (Salagubang) family trying to get JoJo to look the right way for a picture yesterday…

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The happy couple

Last week I flew to England to be the Best Brother (Maid of Honor) in my sister Karin’s wedding.

Almost exactly a year ago she had been Best Sister in my own wedding in LA so it was fun to have the role reversal.

I was a little nervous about my speaking role in the wedding because I hadn’t lived in Britain for a while and there are some definite cultural differences between California and the UK.  In addition to the Best Brother role, I was Emcee for the reception and I was concerned that I would mess up my speech or the transitions between different program elements.

In the end things worked out for the most part.  Here are some things I learned along the way:

1)  Mirror what is going on around you.

One of the things I was hyper-aware of was the fact that because I am a naturally loud person I could very easily be perceived as the brash American.  I’ve heard it said that Americans communicate through overstatement and the English through understatement.  I did my best to “tone down” my remarks accordingly.  I only partially succeeded in the end.

2)  Say less than is necessary.

I freaked out when, ON THE DAY OF THE WEDDING, I timed my Best Brother speech and it was over three times longer than it was supposed to be.  I kept trimming away at it and luckily it did not end up being the longest speech at the wedding.  Especially when communicating in cross-cultural context, less is more.  Going too long may be perceived as cultural insensitivity or imperialistic bullishness, especially if you have an American accent.  If your remarks are being translated in real time it is even more important to cut the length down drastically.

3)  Find a local sounding board

Luckily I had several English friends at the wedding that were willing to give me pointers on my speech prep and tell me how the emceeing was going day-of. They mocked my nasal American accent to bits but also offered very helpful advice on what kind of material would go down well with the crowd.  I will confess to stealing a joke or two and passing it off as original material…

4)  Dig for dirt tastefully

Luckily for me, Britain has a very developed “piss-taking” culture where outright insults aimed at friends are an accepted expression of camaraderie.  So it was fairly easy to cobble together enough dirt on the groom (based on restaurant chatter the night before) to spice up my Best Brother speech.  I will say, however, that when I have tried to use the same piss-taking approach in the United States, some Americans have been offended at what they deem unnecessary trash talk.  Know your audience.  What works here may not work there.

5)  If you have a foreign-sounding accent…

I mentioned this earlier but this bears repeating: accents are significant.  They can be a barrier or a facilitator in cross-cultural communication.  To get around anti-American sentiment in Europe, I often joke about my American accent and issue fake apologies for it.  This typically goes down well.  Whether or not you decide to point out your different accent, be sure to proceed confidently with your material.

Me and my pal Kayla, the flower girl

You are who you are and they can deal with it.

6)  Piggyback

If at all possible, try to build common ground with an international audience as fast as possible.  If you can open your remarks with something funny someone else said at the wedding or if you can reference a popular point that a prior speaker made, do it.  Come across as the “reasonable” foreigner who gets it.  Even the staunchest nationalists will appreciate a “good” American/Brit/Swede – one that is not pushing a competing agenda and instead appreciates the local scene.

There’s a lot more that can be said but in the end commonsense and cool heads prevail.  International weddings are a lot of fun.  Don’t let the complexity of the intercultural dynamics scare you off.  There is all kinds of common ground to celebrate.  And in the end it’s not your day anyway, so relax.

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Bjorn Karlman

So I have now completed my first monthly challenge (it was roughly 3 weeks, to be exact).  It started off as juicing but I relaxed it to drinking healthy smoothies.  Here’s the before shot (March 5, 2012):

And here’s the after…. (March 23, 2012)

You can’t see too much but all in all I dropped almost 14 lbs (from approx 200 lbs down to approx 186 lbs).  The first week saw the most dramatic drop, the second was pretty modest and by the third I think my body was adjusting to the new diet and I hardly lost anything.  I cheated a little bit – most notably with two meals – each of them at high-pressure networking events where I did not want to have to explain to everyone that I was fasting.

Everyone has said that the real work will be in keeping the weight off now that I have lost it.  Typically, people (myself included a few years ago) quickly put back on everything they have lost and then some.  So here’s the plan:  The next monthly challenge (which I will start on April 2), will be cooking at eating light Asian food for lunch and dinner.  Here are some of the resources I’ll be using…

What am I doing until April 2?  Well, hopefully playing it safe.  I leave for London later today and with my sister’s wedding and all the traveling I am not going to bother trying to find Asian food as it will get too complicated.  At my next check-in I’ll let you know if I was able to eat conservatively or if I gained 14 lbs in a week…

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Bjorn Karlman

On April 3 I will have been married a year.  My sister is getting married this week.  Neither of us chose Swedes for life-mates.  So we have both done of a lot of work making sure we pull off international weddings right.  Here are the 10 Commandments that have emerged:

1)  Decide on Scale  - This one is on every wedding planning checklist.  Just how big is your wedding going to be?  This is especially critical when you are trying to pull off an international wedding.  If I had married another Swede I would have been looking at a guest list of 100 or less.  In Filipino terms, our 300-strong wedding guest list was still a little conservative.  Discussion over this kind of things can get tense quickly since finances and logistics become major considerations the bigger the wedding gets.

2)  Establish basic DOs and DON’Ts upfront – Cultural preferences and rules may have caused tensions while you were dating.  Expect any drama you experienced to balloon exponentially as soon as the pressure of a wedding date is applied.  Wedding event planning is stressful in and of itself.  The fact that you have to remember cultural rules just adds to the fun.  Here’s a fun one to start off with: Who is going to pay?  In traditional Filipino culture, for example, the groom’s parents pay for the whole shindig.  How’s that going to fly?

3)  Offend people early in the process… not close to the date – What do I mean by this?  Well, obviously I agree that it is best not to offend people at all.  But that is not realistic.  Try to anticipate the sensitive issues and tackle them early on.  I talked to a friend who married a girl from a very different culture.  The two families had dodged some of the big financial conversations for so long that when they became critical right before the wedding the two sides were so angry they could hardly talk to each other.  Don’t procrastinate on conversations just because they are tough!!

4)  Do as much as possible online - My preference is to only have the first save-the-date be on paper and then coordinate the rest of the wedding announcement / logistics online.  We did this and it worked pretty well.  Everyone got a fairly ornate invite which was also magnetic (and we hoped would therefore be stuck to fridges) and then we had everyone register on a site that we paid about $5/month for.  Everyone could register here AND there was a link to registries.  This worked for 95% of guests.  The exceptionally computer illiterate called us and we signed them up ourselves.

5)  Find low hanging fruit – What I mean about this is that there are some easy wins that are easy to get right from the get go.  Does aunty so and so have a huge ego / insatiable appetite for attention?  Tell her immediately that she can own the coordination of the games for the guests between the ceremony and the reception.  (Incidentally, if you opt for a piñata like the one above, pick a plastic bat… kids have a way of getting in range easily (see the above pic) and Jammie has a gruesome story of how an ambulance had to be called at one event she went to.)  This job will give aunty a focus and will feed her ego in a way that will hopefully keep her out of something more critical like speech giving during the reception.

6)  If meeting parents for the first time. – Jammie met my mom for the first time right before the wedding.  They were both nervous about this.  When your parents are thousands of miles away this kind of a scenario is not unusual.  Realize that it WILL be a little awkward and try to make it as smooth as possible by Skyping ahead of time as much as you can.  Go the extra mile in trying to connect with your in-laws.  It is nearly always a great idea.

7)  Pick the right translators – One of my most embarrassing moments was one in which I had to translate a wedding from English to French in real time.  At one point I messed it up so bad that the bride had to intervene and say that I had gotten something wrong.  I wanted to disappear.  Don’t ask me to translate your wedding into French.  It’s best to audition translators ahead of time.  Also, pick translators that will translate into their native tongue.  If, for example they are English but they speak decent Spanish it is fine to ask them to translate Spanish into English.  Don’t have them do the reverse though unless you want some awkward moments.

8)  Use your people right – This one is particularly critical if you or your other half comes from a long-winded culture that is prone to really drawn-out speech making.  If you know that a particular family member (who MUST be given a speaking role in the wedding) is likely to talk for too long, get around it by giving them something like a prayer or a reading.  DO NOT give them an open-ended piece because that will bore and frustrate the crowd and while this may be OK at other occasions, you don’t want that at your wedding.

9)  Stop being so sensitive – Your wedding is your wedding.  It will hopefully only happen once.  The problem with this is that there is so much pressure to get it right that it is easy to get over-sensitive.  It is not uncommon for fights to erupt over foolishness.  Decide ahead of time that, while you can do nothing about how others behave, you can and will control yourself.  Shut off the part of you that is easily offended and hurt by deciding to be Teflon for a while.

10)  Celebrate Chaos – Have some fun with it all.  No matter how well you plan, something will go wrong.  Case in point: the day before my wedding I took my Swedish family to my old neighborhood in Hollywood to grab some frozen yoghurt.  This was definitely NOT the ritzy part of Hollywood and as we were parking a bunch of guys came up to our vehicle asking for money.  This scared certain family members to the point of near hysteria.  I told them to cool it and we drove to a different parking lot instead before grabbing our frozen treats.  Stuff like this WILL happen.  See the humor in it.  And don’t have your wedding in Los Angeles…

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Bjorn Karlman

look out girls...

I can’t even count how many times I have seen it.  A guy that looks just like sexy underpants dude here gets with a hot Filipina girl.  It used to drive me crazy.  Half of the men look like WWII vets (some probably are).  I always wanted to work out why the girls went for it.  Growing up in the Philippines I would often point out these odd looking couples and ask for explanations. Here’s what I’ve heard over the years.

They’ve got a family to feed – OK so this is simultaneously the saddest and most cynical reason for why Filipinas get with old white guys – the family at home that needs US dollars.  It’s no secret, it happens all the time. 

They aren’t necessarily just in it for the green card – But here’s the deal, you would be mistaken to label these women as regular gold-diggers.  There’s a lot more to it.  If they are originally from the Philippines the white guy represents liberation, adventure and access to the wider world, it’s not just money. 

They probably won’t divorce him once they have the papers – It’s hard to find women that are more faithful and caring than Filipinas.  There are exceptions to every rule, of course, but Filipina women tend to make really good spouses.  They are loyal, do not come from a divorce-prone culture and many of them have religious (read: Catholic) reasons for not treating marriage lightly.

They know they can do better – They aren’t stupid either.  Attractive Filipina women are some of the most liberated in Asia and they know that they have options.  Don’t look down at them for dating or marrying old white guys.  They have most likely thought through their options carefully and this one happens to make sense to them.

“Exotic” is in the eye of the beholder – she may think he is hot – There’s something about scarcity that changes the dynamics of attraction significantly.  Part of the draw of the while male to a Filipina is the fact that he is different and somewhat of a mystery.  That may be enough to make him very attractive.

They look prettier next to him – And then there’s the possibility that reality is even more simple:  women like to look better than their men.  You can’t lose with an ugly white dude.

They may actually like him – It’s easy to get cynical about the state of international romance.  But don’t forget that genuine love is also an option.  I am married to a Filipina girl.  We are very much in love.  But then SHE is the American and I the immigrant:)

The grass is always greener – You run into the kind of Filipina girl who is sick of Filipino guys every once in a while.  Their own kind bores them.  It happens with people from every culture.  Their own culture is yawn-inducing to them and they are convinced that their ideal mate is from somewhere else.

They dig white guys – Finally, some Filipinas just plain like white guys.  And thank God for that.

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Bjorn Karlman

I’ll never forget it.  I was 16, working in a little village in the Cavite province of the Philippines, just outside Manila.  On this particular occasion I was at a Korean friend’s house.  I was joining about 10 other guys in repeatedly bowing down to a Korean grandmother.

The occasion was Korean New Year (the first day of the lunar calendar).  The bowing was part of an ancestral ritual called Sebae and was basically a way to show respect for elders.  With the grandma being the eldest person in the room, she was the object of our ceremonial bowing.

The ritual, the traditional hanbok dress that some of the crowd wore, and the absolutely amazing food that lay waiting made for a pretty unforgettable impression.

Thanks to the help of the truly horrifying iPhone AgingBooth app (and an effect from Instagram), I’ve taken a sneak peak at my future (opposite).  It’s wrinkled.

As much as this is a total gag app, it actually made me think.  Maybe it isn’t too far off.  Maybe that actually is how I will look at 65.

“Seeing” myself at 65 made me think of what I would want other parts of my life to look like.  Here’s a working list:

1)  Jammie and I have two kids: Boy and girl.  Hopefully some grandkids… but that is unlikely given the fact that WE don’t even have kids yet.

2)  Homeless:  We don’t live anywhere full-time.  Instead we have favorite hubs where we kick it.  Here’s a sublist of those places:  London, Los Angeles, Butte County (CA), Buenos Aires, Hong Kong, Manila.

3)  We see those closest to us a LOT:  One of my key complaints about life now is that, at best, Jammie and I see those closest to us a few times a year.  In the case of my family, it is like once or twice a year.  That isn’t good enough.  We have GOT to be more mobile.

3)  Jammie and I speak: Mandarin.  (To keep up with the kids who will have had a Mandarin-speaking nanny.)

4)  I’m looking back at a career that: Meant something and helped people.  Internationally.

5)  I’m still blogging for CultureMutt:  And I hope YOU are still reading and commenting:)

6)  I’m not scared of my age:  I work with a woman who volunteers in my office and is one of the sharpest, most elegantly dressed people I know.  Dorothy is 97.  I want to be her.

7)  I’m in marathon runner shape:  I have started running again and my goal is to get in shape for several marathons a year.  And keep it up.

8)  I am volunteering for something that requires inordinate amounts of public speaking:  Maybe it is because I joined Toastmasters (a truly superb, international, Public Speaking society with over a quarter million members worldwide) but I LOVE public speaking and take every opportunity I can get to get better at it.  Volunteer work involving public speaking would be great.

9)  I’m enrolled in a top-notch culinary institute:  I would love to go back to school at 65.  Something practical like chef’s credentials would be ideal.

I am sure I’ll add to the list but this is fine for now.  How would your list look?  Tell me in the comments.

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Two More Things…

1) We’ll be looking at the aging process from a multicultural perspective this week so be sure to check back in.

2)  At my last weigh-in, I had lost approx 13 lbs since I started my First Monthly Challenge.  This will be my last week of the juice / smoothie diet so I am looking for a strong finish and will keep you posted.

Stop Trying to Fool Everyone

When I was a freshman in college I was obsessed with projecting confidence.  I did so no matter what – it was a way of hiding my inhibitions, fears and various hangups.  The problem was that people were not fooled.  It came off exactly as what it was: false bravado.  My better friends called me on it.  They wanted me to be me.  Not who I wanted to be.

Come Out

It took some time to let down the defenses I had built up but I gradually discovered that people connected with me better when I admitted to my issues or mistakes, when I admitted to being scared, embarrassed or jealous.  People related to me better because these are actual human sentiments and everyone has them in spades.  Nobody relates to Super Heroes unless they are completely deluded.

WORK IT!!

So far this week we have talked about doing really hard things.  We started with my stab at fasting and moved on to overworked Koreans.  Today it is time to get real and realize that as good as it may be to work your butt off to get things right… you also need to get ballsy about your flaws.

Don’t keep trying to hide them.  Everyone has them.  YOU can be the one who is comfortable enough in your own skin to stop falling over yourself apologizing for your every imperfection.

Being ballsy about showing your flaws can even be lucrative.  Allow one of my favorite sites, trendwatching.com to explain it:

“Consumers don’t expect brands to be flawless. In fact, consumers will embrace brands that are FLAWSOME*: brands that are still brilliant despite having flaws; even being flawed (and being open about it) can be awesome.”

Who stands to win in today’s environment?  “Brands that show some empathy, generosity, humility, flexibility, maturity, humor, and (dare we say it) some character and humanity. “  trendwatching, March 2012 edition

Transparency

It all boils down to transparency.  People want the real story.  Whether it be about a company or about you personally.  Everyone has issues so if you admit to them and show them along with your positive attributes, people will be less suspicious and much more likely to focus on what’s good about you.  It makes sense.  It is human nature.

In February’s issue of Monocle (A Briefing On Global Affairs, Business, Culture & Design), British design and cultural critic, Stephen Bayley wrote an essay titled “On Charm”.   It’s an awesome essay, peppered with zingers starting with this one as the opening sentence:  “I’ll tell you one thing you never hear.  It’s this.  “I wish I were less charming.”

A statement he made that speaks to the importance of being OK with flaws hit me hard:

“Power is rarely charming, vulnerability always is.”

This principle works on a personal level and a business level.  Humans connect with vulnerability regardless of their culture.  Here are some examples of companies that have allowed themselves to be vulnerable and yet reap great rewards:

Four Seasons Hotels giving reviews on Facebook and other social media prominent placement on their site – good or bad.

Seoul is exploding with activity.

I was last there a couple years ago and was blown away by the energy and sheer willpower on display.  Every weekday my roommates woke up at about 5:00 AM to rush to work and school respectively.  I would get in the spirit and go jogging down the streets of Gangnam-gu (Seoul’s Beverly Hills) before dawn and swarms of people would already be out, rushing to their first appointments. “Diligence” seemed to be the word on everyone’s lips.  People worked ridiculous hours.  School kids were in after-school classes until 8:00 PM or later at night.  The city never seemed to stop.  It blew my mind.

Facts like these had me mesmerized:

1) Koreans work the longest hours in the industrialized world.

2) The Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD) listed Koreans as spending the least time doing unpaid shopping each day (13 minutes) of all OECD country members.  (France had the most at 32 minutes… those slackers…)

3) Koreans spend more money per capita on education than any other country

4) Koreans, on average, take so little vacation time that, in 2010, the government felt the need to intervene and force government employees to submit plans to their bosses to take 16 days off that year. 

With this incredibly strong work ethic you would expend tremendous results.  And to be fair, since the Korean War, South Korea has risen to and joined the ranks of some of the most wealthy countries in the world.  However, all the hours and exertion don’t automatically translate into results.  Korean productivity ranks very low compared to other industrialized countries.

Why?  Check out these thoughts from Korean politician Moon Kook-hyun, head of the Creative Korea Party.

“Yes, sometimes we should work harder, but most times we should work smarter,”

“Government policies will determine whether Korea stays a muscle-based economy, or is upgraded to a knowledge-based economy,”

The habit of working long hours at low levels of productivity is “like brainwashing for Koreans,” he said. “Our leaders need to be disconnected from their former ways.”‘

So take a lesson from the Korean example.  Be diligent, by all means, but value results over dedication.  You have a life to live.

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Bjorn Karlman