I am not sure why this quote from Tim Ferriss has had such an effect on me over the years, but it has:

“There have been several points in my life… at which I saw my future as another fat man in a midlife-crisis BMW.  I simply looked at those who were 15-20 years ahead of me on the same (professional) track… and it scared the hell out of me.”

This passage from “The 4-Hour Workweek” is one of the most motivating I have come across in current lifestyle lit.

Whenever I feel like my priorities are off or I am making bad long-term decisions I try to project out 20 years or so and think about what will happen if I continue life like this:

Boring Job – Will I be stuck in a mind-numbing job?  A close friend of mine just graduated from law school last weekend.  We had some downtime after the commencement ceremony and were talking about what motivated our generation relative to what motivated that of our parents.

We decided (perhaps unfairly) that whereas our parents’ generation had money as their main motivator when it came to professional life, our motivators were more lifestyle driven.

For example, if you wanted to recruit our parents’ generation when they were young professionals you could lock them in by promising to double their income.  That, while still attractive, would not go as far with our generation which would likely prefer a 50% increase in income, two weeks of additional paid vacation and the option to work from home.

More importantly, Gen Y professionals crave meaning in their work lives.  THAT is why the bald, fat man in the red BMW scares the crap out of us.  We don’t want to be corporate automatons.

Ridiculous Mortgage – As the options of mobile living and worldwide travel/work become more and more of a reality today, home ownership (with the recent memory of home values plummeting insanely) is less and less of a draw.  Why tie yourself down to one location?  Why sign yourself up for the golden handcuffs of an awful (yet well-paid) job just to pay the mortgage for a house that you have long-since come to resent despite its square footage?

Estranged Spouse and Kids – If there were ever a thing that the boomers proved conclusively, it is the fact that their obsession with work and materialism ruined families.  Time away from home skewed priorities and the Western epidemic of workaholism has added up to a lifestyle where relationships that should matter, don’t.  The result is the most dysfunctional set of family dynamics on record.

Overworked – Allow me to continue on the subject of workaholism. An entrepreneur friend of mine with a lot of physician friends says that he hears the same thing over and over:  “How do I get out of the rat race?  I want out!”  These doctors, while well paid, fully realize that if they stop working their 12 hour days, shuttling patients in and out of their offices, the game is over, no moolah.  So they are trapped.  And they hate it.

Obese – When you take on boomer work values you also take on their tendency to be obese.  Part of what’s so scary about the guy in the red BMW is that, despite his status symbol, he is a chunkster.  Nobody is impressed.  And worse yet, the rat race is only going to make it worse.  The downward spiral of horrible lifestyle decisions, fueled by comfort food, late hours, terrible relationship and anti-depressants is a heart attack waiting to happen.  We need something new.

Savvy, global do-gooding

We each have an opportunity to define this “new” lifestyle.  My goals behind CultureMutt are to help contribute to this conversation about a healthier, more compassionate, more exciting, more globally-minded lifestyle.  We need to get intentional about savvy, global do-gooding.  What is the cost of a little experimentation when the “norm” is the rat race and nobody healthy enjoys it?

Another Tim Ferriss quote:

“Gold is getting old.  The New Rich (NR) are those who abandon the deferred-life plan and create luxury lifestyles in the present using the currency of the New Rich: time and mobility.  This is an art and a science we will refer to as Lifestyle Design (LD).”

Stay tuned, the next couple posts will be about Lifestyle Design.

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Bjorn Karlman

They are a special breed.  You meet them in hostels and and tourist hot spots and volunteer hubs the world over.  They play hard but rarely work hard.  This is often their first time abroad. They are rebelling from very structured backgrounds.  They party a lot.  Too much.  And its often on their parents’ dime.  They are on a quest to find themselves.  Being away from home has them feeling insecure. So they over-compensate by big talk.  Often political talk.  And its typically deeply nationalistic.  It’s harmless patriotism gone harmful.  In every conversation they need their country to come out the victor.  It is nauseating.

Before you think I am singling out a certain country as the source of these patriotic party people I want to emphasize that I have seen all kinds of them.  From pretty much everywhere.  After all, it only takes a crude surplus of time, cheap beers and inexperience to have the perfect conditions for an (often young) traveler to start sounding off about how their country is the best and so clearly superior to the host culture for a litany of reasons.  What typically sets them off is a bad experience.  Someone was rude to them.  Their girlfriend / boyfriend back home broke up with them.  They embarrassed themselves in some way.

Their rhetoric is often deeply critical of the local situation.  I have often met them in volunteer contexts such as English language schools or humanitarian construction projects.  They are there as volunteers and visitors but they quickly let everyone know how much they wish they were home and how everything is better at home.  They disagree with how things are run locally.  If you have visited their home countries and dare to challenge their overly rosy picture of life there they quickly learn to despise you.

How do you help them?  I have found that very little works.  The answer is certainly not to try to fight them.  If you contradict them or try to humiliate them with superior knowledge of politics or (if you have it) a stronger understanding of their country and its place in the world, you will only put them on the defensive and intensify their vitriol.  One option is to ignore them.  But this may not be an option if you are working on a small team together in a volunteer context or if you both are staying in the same small hostel.

What sometimes works is befriending them and gradually showing them the benefits of toning down the rhetoric, letting up on the combative spirit and actually enjoying the host culture.   They are behaving the way they are because they come from a place of insecurity.  So if you can provide them with the security of friendship and a local connection, chances are they will appreciate it.  Surprise them the next time they start ranting about how bad the food / TV / service / transportation is locally and invite them to a local sporting event.  Bring your most mature local friend (briefing him or her on the patriotic partyhead’s tendency to be crudely nationalistic) and show the young irate one the time of his or her life.  Treat them extraordinarily well.  Hit the best local eatery after the game.  Introduce the young nationalist to some of the coolest locals you know.  Show him or her the  benefits of savvy, global do-gooding: Amazing local friends.  Ease of travel.  Adventure minus the agitation of stupid fights.  The buzz of experiencing the beauty of a culture that is not your own.  Get creative.  This may be your only chance to make an impression.

You may fail.  But chances are that regardless of the outcome they will remember the experience.  This, their first trip abroad may be a lost cause but the next time they set food overseas they may have a different perspective.

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Bjorn Karlman

Here’s a breakdown of the typical lunch in a few of the places I have lived:

Rural France:  Two leisurely hours of eating, talking and drinking.

A Filipino Fishing Village:   An hour of eating and socializing followed by another hour of a siesta nap, stretched out on bamboo platforms.

Buenos Aires, Argentina: A civilized break of an hour or so (enough to get to a decent restaurant)… rural areas and smaller towns shut down for lunch and take longer.

England and the United States:  A stale sandwich at your desk.

Sweden:  A buddy of mine Facebooked me with a link to the latest trend in Swedish urban culture:  Clubbing for lunch.   Here’s how it works (I’m not sure whether to be proud or embarrassed):

1)  People literally leave work for an hour and dance.

2)  The location looks like a club, complete with appropriate lighting (or lack thereof) and DJs spinning.

3)  No alcohol or drugs

4) There is food and drink (which most people grab on the way out)

5)  Clubbing for lunch has gotten so popular as a de-stressor that employers are starting to buy tickets and offer them to employees as perks.

Hierarchy?

As much as it is very tempting to be a cultural fundamentalist and insist that one system is better than the other, I am personally convinced that doing so is stupid.  First of all, you close yourself off to different ways of being human that could actually improve your life.  Second, you look like a bigot.  If I could have a dollar or euro for every time I have heard some Americans criticize Europeans for being lazy and unproductive and some Europeans criticize Americans for being workaholic fatties, I would be a modestly rich person taking multi-hour lunch breaks.  You never look like a good person when you blow off steam like this, just irate and inflexible.

Cultural Buffet

One of the fundamental ideas behind savvy, global do-gooding is to treat global cultures as a huge buffet… you as the cultural savant get to pick and choose of the best out there.  Do this with your lunch breaks.  Sure, it often makes sense to prioritize productivity and a strong work ethic.  But all work and no play makes you a very pathetic person.  So mix it up.  With more than just your lunch habits.

There is so much variety out there and the beauty of travel and the internet is that you have access to different views and cultural practices on a level that has previously been impossible.  Be a culturemutt.  Enjoy and practice the best of what you come across.

Life is beautiful and exposure to world cultures will make you a better, fuller person.  Get out there, explore and experiment.

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Bjorn Karlman

Food stretches as far as the eye can see.

Shoes are lined up at the front door in numbers that would make Emelda Marcos blush.

really blend in, don't I?:)

Children are running everywhere.

A group of aunties and uncles are playing cards.

Impressively good singing is coming from the karaoke corner.

A Lola (grandmother) is asking you when you are going to get married to your Filipina girlfriend.

You are new and not Filipino.  You are sweating.

What’s the occasion?  Well, it could be any actually – Easter, this auntie’s birthday, that uncle’s house warming, a family member could be visiting from the Philippines or someone may even have died.  Regardless of the occasion, everyone is watching you.  Follow these instructions so you don’t screw up:

Mingle

Let’s start with an obvious one that nevertheless gets ignored.  When at a Filipino gathering, don’t just stick to the Filipino friend that invited you or play it safe and talk to the other obvious outsiders.  There is nothing more lame than the 2-3 non-Filipinos at a Filipino party just talking to each other. People will really appreciate it if you get out there and mingle, if you get to know the crowd.  Filipinos are very social and appreciate some social boldness.

Get Loud

Which brings me to the next point.  As opposed to some cultures where the emphasis is placed on being understated and reserved, the Filipino culture is best lived with the volume turned up.  People get loud when they are having a good time.  Don’t be afraid to laugh out loud and raise your voice.  Greet someone from across the room.  It is more than OK.  It is encouraged.

Encourage Children to Sing Loudly in front of everyone

Children are a major source of entertainment at Filipino get-togethers.  At my Filipino family’s Christmas parties, all the kids compete against each other in a talent show where each kid sings, dances or recites something in front of those gathered in return from dollar bills from the adults.  I saw some pretty impressive performances and nothing goes down better than cheering loudly for each child.  If you have a kid, have them perform too. 

Eat a little too much

Show some appreciation for the food by going back for at least seconds.  An enthusiastic eater is definitely appreciated.  I typically do a test round of most of the dishes available and then go back for top-ups of my favorites.  Find the creators of your favorite dishes and tell them you loved their food.  They will remember… especially if the dish is particularly adventurous… oxtail anyone?

Gossip Intelligently

By “gossip intelligently” I don’t mean spreading malicious rumors.  But you do want to be clued in to some of the social dynamics of the group.  Get proud parents to talk about their kids’ scholastic achievement.  Weigh in on some of the romantic matchmaking.  If you have friends that would be a great match for someone in the room, float the idea. 

Offer to Help

Something as simple as offering to help with dishes can help break the relational ice and make you an insider so be sure to ask if you can help with something.  Even if you are turned down, do something helpful like bring some empty plates from the potluck table back to the kitchen and rinse them off.  People will notice you and appreciate it.

And Finally….

What it all really comes down to is a willingness to show up and be friendly.  So even if it may be unfamiliar territory, give it all you’ve got.  There is much to enjoy.

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Bjorn Karlman

I am sure it is something about coming from a European, famously neutral country starting with “Sw”.  People always think I am from Switzerland.

I tell them quite clearly that I am from Sweden and then they turn around and introduce me to their friends and say, “This is Bjorn, he’s Swiss.”  It drives me crazy.

Swiss stuff that doesn’t apply to Sweden

Why do people mix these two countries up?  Sweden is not Switzerland.  Not even close.  We don’t have Heidi.  We are not big on goofy-yet-charming goat bells. We are not known for our chocolate (unless you happen to be an IKEA addict and you spend too much time in the food section).  Evil dictators don’t clamor to invest in our banks.

No use

As much as I explain the above to people they still just nod and then come up to me two weeks later and try to tell me about their other Swiss friend or they ask me for travel tips for Zurich.   Come on!

Fun Swedish Stereotypes

It’s not like Sweden is running low on stereotypes.  Whenever there is a dumb lumber jack character in a movie or commercial, he has a Swedish accent.  Whenever there is a foreign, blond bikini-clad hottie in a role, she most likely is also Swedish.  Whenever my right wing friends get riled up about socialism they list Sweden as one of the countries where doomsday has been realized.  I could go on and on.  There are TONS of stereotypes, good and bad to choose from.  Associate me with ANY of them but lay off with the freaking “Swiss” label.

So What?

Why is this a big deal?  Well, at first it wasn’t.  But trust me, the 50th time you hear it, it gets old.  When you are from a small country, identity can be important.  You want to be recognized as unique, not confused with being from somewhere else.  It’s kind of like the time I was working in the Filipino fishing village I called home for a while and I was asked where in the United States Sweden was… Ugghghghghghg.

Oversensitive?

Am I being oversensitive?  Yes.  But you know what?  I don’t care.

THERE: end of mid-week rant.

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There’s a fine line between being honest and being rude.  The post title is a classic example.  If someone asks you if they look fat, should you tell the truth?    As this is CultureMutt you are right to expect a “cultural” spin on this.  The fact of the matter is that honesty expresses itself differently in different parts of the world.

The Geography of Honesty

I’ve lived in fairly blunt countries (Sweden, the United States, Argentina) and more tactful countries (Britain, Hong Kong and the Philippines).  Honesty is expressed differently in each of these countries.  You can obviously be honest in any of these countries but each culture has rules about just how much honesty you should offer up to people and how to do so.

Honest Lying

Growing up in Asia I was taught early on that saving face was very important.  You always wanted to allow people to save face and you yourself put a huge priority on saving face in delicate situations.  So while bluntness may have been called for in a Western setting, Asian etiquette required a more indirect approach.  For example, if you are visiting an Asian home and they ask you how you like their food, I would definitely err on the side on being overly positive.

Do not criticize it and do not even opt for calling the food “interesting”.  You are not being dishonest by saying that it tastes “good”.  If you do not like the food, nobody is interested in your honest opinion.  Keep it to yourself, smile and say the food tastes great.  This is common courtesy.

How ya doin?

Some may consider this lying.  It is not.  In American society we are forever asking others how they are doing.  It is a greeting.  Nobody really believes that you are “doing great” every time you say you are.  But you still say it, don’t you?  Well, it is the same in indirect cultures when it comes to expressing your opinion about something delicate.  Unless you absolutely have to confront or be direct, avoid it.  Beat around the bush.  It is the right thing to do.  You will get results much quicker this way than if you insist on blazing a trail of bullish, Western directness.

Nordic Bluntness

In Sweden and other more blunt cultures, on the other hand, the kind of indirect approach that is correct in an Asian setting is almost considered to be dishonest.  People want more of a straight-up approach.  If you say you like something to be polite while secretly you hate it, people will consider you dishonest or weak for feigning appreciation.  I have personally been called out on a number of occasions because I default to Asian indirectness in certain situations where Westerner norms crave candor.

My bad

Forgetting where you are can be a problem.  It typically takes me a week or two (and a few embarrassing mistakes) for me to readjust to where I am.  What I have found to be effective in situations where I mess up is a quick apology and an honest explanation that I am still adjusting to the different culture.  People tend to be pretty understanding and will often go out of their way to explain some basic dos and don’ts while you find your footing…

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Bjorn Karlman

Google any variation of the following question and you get a storm of different reactions:  “Are some cultures smarter than others?”   It is obviously an extremely touch area.  Unless you are talking to some kind of supremacist you are unlikely to hear anyone give you a hierarchy of cultures with respect to average intelligence.  At least not explicitly.

Snowballs

What I have heard quite a lot of, all over the world, is social commentary either praising industrious immigrants and other high-achieving populations or critiquing other groups that seem to be mired in crime and paralyzed in terms of even the most basic social mobility.

From time to time I hear people criticize poor populations in a “they-should-just-pull-themselves-up-by-the-bootstraps” kind of way.  It starts to sound prejudiced pretty quickly.  The criticism starts as a gripe about welfare abusers and quickly escalates to “Why can’t members of x population just go to school and get a job like everyone else?  Oh, I forgot, they can’t even speak English…”  The conversation gets worse quickly and nobody is the better for it.

A Small Town Thing?

Some people think that this sort of prejudice only surfaces in communities that are culturally homogenous and are “scared” of diversity.  In my experience this is not the case.  You hear the same sort of thing in big cities where you are forever rubbing shoulders with people not like you.  Sometimes urban settings are even worse.

Hard Facts and Stereotypes

If you are talking about raw academics there are some hard stats to fend with if you want to swear off culture as a factor influencing academic achievement.  Take this one:  Four percent of the US population is Asian-American but they make up 20% of the Ivy League.

The more you dig around the more you find all manner of scientific attempts to look at the role of culture and race in academic achievement.  You get lists of scientific studies looking at average cranial size, IQ points and other shaky attempts at quantifying intelligence and correlating it to groups of people.  Then you get others that claim that conventional standardized testing and IQ points are measures of intelligence that are faulty at best and are designed to favor certain subcultures.

Why Ask the Question?

Should the question of whether a smartness hierarchy exists in cultures be asked in the first place?  The slippery slope into thinly-veiled eugenics seems inevitable when you start trying to linking culture to genetics.  And we’ve seen where that sort of nonsense leads.

It is not defeatist to simply say that trying to order cultures in terms of demonstrated intelligence is a ridiculous exercise. Not only are attempts at this kind of ordering controversial and flawed, they are also pointless, narrow and doomed to failure.

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Westminister Abbey a couple weeks ago...

It started with my first and one of my only (I am a teetotaler) sips of alcohol.  I was 14.  I was sitting in the back of a Church of England service in Binfield, the little English village where my family lives.  I was there for a school project in which I had to observe a service from a tradition other than my own.

We had gotten as far as Communion and I had decided that to get the full effect of attendance, I was going to join in.  So I joined the line of parishioners heading to the front of the church to sip from the same cup.  When it was my turn I took a generous sip and to my utter astonishment, the liquid burned all the way down.  “I think I just had alcohol,” was my one big takeaway from the service as I left.

After I got over the novelty of the fact that I had had my first drink, I started to focus on the overall experience.  It had been different from services that I was used to.  The formality, the gowns, the High Church music, the centuries-old village church – it all was seriously intriguing.  It was my first taste of church tourism and I was hooked.

I have no idea how many churches, temples and synagogues I have crashed since, but here are a few tips I have found helpful for doing so without getting thrown out or (perhaps worse yet) being targeted for recruitment…

Watch Fight Club

You know when when Ed Norton’s character in Fight Club is visiting support groups and he says that if you say nothing as a visitor people always assume the worst?  Well, I am not sure the same holds for crashing religious services but if you remain silent (and you don’t physically look different from everyone else) there is a chance you can just observe without being identified as an “outsider”.  Of course, your chances of flying under the radar are better if you pick big churches where everyone doesn’t know everyone.

Give Places the Benefit of the Doubt

Here’s a good rule of thumb: Don’t compare the worst of other religious communities to the best of your own.  If in doubt about a novel practice or something that seems “weird”, assume that these are good people and that there is a good reason for how they worship.  Are people jumping up and down?  Crying dramatically in pews?  Falling over?  Let them do their thing and don’t just rush to assume the worst.

Find Common Ground

When I was younger I would immediately start making a list of things that I disagreed with whenever I was exposed to people and environments from different faith traditions.  This is stupid, alienating and unproductive.  It is far better to find the common ground between what you happen to believe and what is happening around you.  There are nearly always things that you have in common with the community you are visiting.  It makes for far better conversation and relationship-building.

YOU are the Guest

Remember that you are the one visiting and you are not there to question or lecture anyone.  As fun as it may be to start asking controversial questions, don’t do it.  Even if you totally disagree with things, ask questions and show appreciation for anything and everything that looks remotely interesting.  If you do this, people will lower their guards and you will be able to get to know them.

Learn How to Ask Questions

Asking good questions is an art form.  Do some research and think of some insightful questions to ask when you visit a place of worship.  I like to ask questions of a range of people.  I compare what I hear from little children to what I hear from bored teenagers or charismatic clergy.  The answers will often be different and if you ask questions of a lot of people you will become more comfortable asking questions and you will be more able to root “scripted” answers from reality.

Stay for Coffee

In an Armenian Church in Switzerland it was tea and cookies.  At a Lutheran Church in Chico, CA it was coffee and at a hip worship service / 20-30 something Jewish mixer in Beverly Hills it was sushi and sake.  Whatever form the social hour takes after the religious bit, stay.  It is fun.  People are more relaxed and have time to chat.  You can learn a lot and meet very interesting people.  FYI… young singles often flirt shamelessly at these kinds of occasions.  Don’t believe me?  Visit ATID LA for Friday Night Live (the Jewish mixer I mentioned).  It gets crazy.

Draw Boundaries

The problem with being a religious tourist and crashing random services is that you will definitely get pitched with every religious spin under the sun.  Not only will people try to convert you, they will sometimes do so aggressively.  Be ready with answers to the most common questions:  “Will you be here next week?” is a common one.  I have found that saying something vague like, “Next week might not work but maybe sometime in the future,” works.

How about you?  Have any tips you want to add to this list?  Any horror stories from church crashing gone bad?  I’d love to connect in the comment section…

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Bjorn Karlman

I remember having a conversation with a missionary of a different faith when I was living in the Pangasinan province of the Philippines.  We got to a juncture where it was clear that we disagreed on something.  Her helpful comment?  “I am right and your are wrong.”  Classy.

Holy Simpletons

I have always hated this about some religious people.  They often tend to be the most annoyingly narrow people I come across.  Don’t get me wrong.  I have always seen myself as religious.  (Yes, for those that prefer the term “spiritual”, I see myself as a spiritual person.) But what is it about religion that draws the intolerant and the simpleminded?  The types that have to be right?  It’s nauseating.

Give and Take

I believe in a higher power.  I believe that life has meaning in and of itself and that I do not “create” its beauty and texture, I discover it.  I could go into a long list of the things that I believe in but I have never seen CultureMutt as a place to score any sectarian points.

I am, however, very interested in promoting understanding and patience between people of different cultures and beliefs.  I really enjoy some give and take, some mutual learning.  I am always interested in ways that people from diverse faith and cultural backgrounds can actually dialogue.

Is the Answer to be Agnostic?

I certainly sympathize with agnostics who simply do not believe that truth is knowable.  To a certain extent, I agree.  Truth, in its perfect, ultimate form is not something I believe we will ever grasp.  But I certainly want to be open to discovering more and more of it as I go through life.  Is my faith getting in the way of this?  Is the fact that I am actually a member of a Christian denomination (Seventh-day Adventist, to be exact), a hindrance to my discovery of truth?

People have different reactions when I ask this kind of question.  There are some who, being believers themselves, immediately get on the defensive.  “How could you say such a thing?  You have the truth don’t take that so lightly!”  I’ve met other churchgoers who are more sympathetic.  They say that it is a good thing to be open to a fuller understanding of life, reality and truth.  I’ll let you guess which type I associate with when I go to church.

The Flip Side

But enough scrutiny of the churchgoers.  I have found equally narrow-minded people that profess no faith whatsoever.  They are religiously convinced that religion and any articulation / organized understanding of reality has to be wrong. They write it off before even considering it.  It kind of reminds me of political diehards (myself included from time to time) that are so busy calling out the other side for their partisan narrowness that they forget to remove the plank in their own failed policy eye.

The antidote to narrow-mindedness then, can’t be the mere act of embracing or rejecting religion.  In a way, your status as far as faith is concerned is not the point.  Your willingness to experiment and to be generous enough to give others 50% chance of being right is where it has to start.  Is this messier than the blessed assurance of those that think they have it all or those that are dead set on disallowing any chance of truth’s discovery?  Of course.  But what good is assurance if it is built on blinkered, sinking sand?

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Bjorn Karlman

I think I got smacked once as a child.  In fact, I am not sure if it actually happened or if I just am remembering wrong.  My parents don’t believe in spanking kids.  They are Swedes.  Sweden banned spanking children over 30 years ago.  As in, it is illegal to spank your child in Sweden.  Since then over 20 countries have followed suit.  The United States is not one of them.

Premarital Counseling

Jammie and I talked over the issue of how to discipline our future kids as part of our premarital counseling.  It wasn’t the easiest topic to discuss because we didn’t agree.  Spanking is more common (although not universal) in the Filipino culture and Jammie was not as against it as was I.  We kind of put the issue on a shelf.  We are usually able to arrive at compromises but this one will, I am sure, be discussed at length.

Culture Clash

I am sitting in Barnes & Noble as I write this and a few minutes ago I flagged down a doctor friend who was in here looking for a gift.  “I’m writing a post on whether or not we should spank kids,” I told her.

“What qualifies you?” she asked.

“Nothing,” I replied.  She laughed but then pointed out that I had my own childhood to pull from.  But my childhood involved a whole mess of cultures clashing loudly.  I lived in Asia, the US and Northern Europe and basically saw every approach to discipline imaginable.  The blessing and the curse of seeing so many different ways of being human is that you are a lot less likely to have very fixed ideas of what constitutes right and wrong.  I don’t mean this in a strictly moral sense.  I like to think of myself as a fairly ethical chap.  But on something subjective like appropriate discipline I don’t actually have a very dogmatic position.

The Spirit

I think it all comes down to the spirit in which you discipline a child.  My parents believed in trying to reason with my sister and I, even when we were still fairly little.  To an extent, this worked but some would have argued that the verbal discipline would have been a little more effective if paired with a swift (light) swat to the behind.  But I knew that my parents meant business and I knew that I actually hurt them when I misbehaved so the spirit in which they disciplined me tended to work.

On the other hand I know of friends of mine with parents that were equally conscientious but came from a more swat-friendly culture.  They were well-behaved as well, but were spanked regularly for various infractions.  And I don’t think they grew up with the issues that the anti-spanking lobby constantly brings up.  They didn’t express their anger through violence any more than any other kid on the playground.  They did not seem any less capable of resolving conflict through reason and conversation than was I.

Should a Village Raise a Child?

As much as I was raised partly in collectivist societies and I believe that the village raises the child, I DO NOT believe in the collective right to discipline children.  The first school I attended still spanked children.  I was proud of my dad who put his foot down and demanded that the practice end.  If anyone were to touch my future kids at school I would do my best to make sure they were put behind bars.

How were you raised?  Were you spanked?  Or did discipline come in a different form?  What is your own take on what’s right?  Tell me in the comment section.

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Bjorn Karlman