Are you wasting your life?

When you get up in the morning, do you feel like you are one day older yet not a step closer to what you have spent your life dreaming you could do? Do you feel like you are just working for the paycheck? Do you feel like you are in a self-made prison? Do you wish you had the guts to call things as they are? I felt that way for a very long time.

OK lives

In many ways there was nothing wrong with our lives. Jammie and I had respectable, sought-after jobs. We had wonderful, supportive friends. We lived in a fun little college town in Northern California. We made decent money for a young couple. We were active in our communities. On the surface, our lives looked fine. If life continued as it was, we could really settle down, live comfortably, start a family and raise kids who would repeat the cycle.

The burning desire

But for years we had harbored a will to do something bold and fresh. Something that wasn’t just about a paycheck, benefits and water cooler conversations… about going through the motions. Something that would change our lives completely.

The secret plan

We knew what it was and for years we had secretly been talking about it: a trip around the world. But not just any trip. This would not be just a vacation. It would be an extended trip. A long-term adventure where we helped other people through service projects. This would be something idealistic. Something radical. Something completely, utterly life-changing that launched us on an international, meaning-filled life of service for years to come.

Every time we talked about it we got more excited. We knew this could change everything.  And every time we put off the trip off we grew more frustrated.

Enough is enough

In the fall of 2012, Jammie and I decided that we could not wait any longer. We simply could not put off our plans any more. If we didn’t take the step now, life would make it harder and harder to escape and we would just grow old, fat and frustrated bemoaning the lives we wished we’d pursued.  We simply could not let that happen.  We made a pact:  “We are doing this and we are doing this now!”

ACTION!

We did all the scary stuff as fast as we could so we wouldn’t back out. We told those closest to us of our plans. Job resignation letters were drafted, re-drafted, signed and delivered. We sold, gave away or dumped a ton of stuff that we had collected over the years. We bought round-the-world tickets. And we got on a plane.  This was it!

Five months in… 

We are now one month into living in Buenos Aires (city #2 of our Bangkok-Buenos Aires-Berlin-Bombay tour) and starting the  fifth month of our year.  We are starting to adjust to our new life. I am not going to pretend that we like everything.  We often miss family and friends.  I could do without the nightly mosquito bites and I could kill for some decent Mexican food.  But for the most part life has improved drastically.

I could spend several posts listing all the ways our lives are better but for now I can say this with all honesty:  For the first time in years it feels like everything I used to dream of doing is still possible.  I walk around unbelievably excited about life.  I am no longer as cynical.  I don’t roll my eyes when I hear people talk about their lives being happy.  I am happy.  And I am rapidly gaining perspective on how I want to live the rest of my life.

Here are some things I have learned:

Don’t waste your life thinking things will change – Part of what kept us from taking the bold step to get on a plane and follow our dreams was the vague feeling that things would change if we just put in a little more time. Maybe things would change with a little more money… or a more adventurous week of vacation time or a slightly better job. The truth was that none of those things would really change anything. Every little step we took on the same conventional path confirmed the obvious: more of the same would lead to a lifetime of boredom and regret.

Don’t waste your life thinking that “benefits” are a valid reason to stay in a job – Medical, dental, paid time off, growing retirement funds… we couldn’t just walk away! Or so we thought. But the golden hand cuffs were surprisingly easy to shake off when we realized that they were standing between us and doing what we really wanted with our lives. Security is fine but not if if means being handcuffed securely to a suboptimal life!

Don’t waste your life dreading risk – Within two weeks of landing in Bangkok we were offered four jobs between the two of us. We were not interested in taking them just then but we did the financial math just for fun anyway and the reward for shaking off the golden handcuffs was clear immediately: If we were to get jobs we could easily save over twice what we had been saving in the US. So much for our risk-averse golden handcuff thinking!

It was already clear that this world was full of opportunities and that risks where never quite as scary once you took them.  The rewards of action are great.  Everyone’s circumstances are different but don’t make the mistake of living your life dodging risk.

Don’t waste your life worrying about acquiring stuff - Traveling has taught us a lot of valuable lessons but one of the most important is this:  acquiring more “stuff” is one of the most pointless things we do in life.  Jammie and I ended up donating a ridiculous amount of our possessions to our local thrift store when we left Northern California.  I mean it was crazy. These were mostly things that had cost quite a lot to buy.  And in the end it was all just stuff… stuff that was in the way of us and a better, freer life.  This stuff didn’t add value; if anything it was a hassle, a nuisance.  The hours we spent giving or throwing it all away have taught me one thing as we walk past shop windows around the world: Keep walking.

Don’t waste your life chasing the American Dream – The house, the car, the white picket fence.  Keeping up with the Joneses is less and less attractive when you realize that they are upside down on their house, their possessions own them and living life chasing the American dream has them tied down and miserable, running faster and faster on the hamster wheel while their finite days on Earth slip away.  The American dream is not what it is cracked up to be. People should get over it.

Let’s end with some good news:  It is never too late to make a change… to make the jump.  If you are wasting your life, the time to stop is right now.  Right this second.  Stop it.  Seriously.  Don’t rationalize away this moment.  If you are tempted to do so, accept this absolute truth: This post was written for you.

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back in the dating / scruff look days...

“Are you Catholic?”  We’d only been in the soup kitchen of The Basilica of San José de Flores five minutes and the question had already come up.

“Um, no.”  I replied hesitantly.

“So, what are you then?”  The middle-aged woman looked us up and down.  “Nothing?”

“Christian”, I said, hoping that the wide-cast term would satisfy her curiosity.  It didn’t.

“I like Catholics!”  I stammered.  Not much better.

“Everybody ready?  We are about to open to let everyone in!”  Luckily, the fast-pace of the soup kitchen allowed for the subject to switch to more pragmatic things.  This was our first week at our new service project in the Flores district of Buenos Aires and there was a huge line of people lined up in the street beside the basilica, waiting to come in and eat.   Denominational differences don’t mean a lot when there are mouths to feed.  Some things are simply more important.

I don’t enjoy sectarian labels.  In most matters they come across as artificial and divisive.  Often, denominational chatter distracts from what truly matters.

Religious differences don’t matter… until they do

One big, hairy exception to the above rule slaps a lot of would-be happy people in the face though:  The dating world.  Try to seriously date across religions divisions and you are often asking for trouble.  They might seem petty at first but religious differences can be a deal breaker relationally.

I consider myself open-minded and often say that I am a religious tourist.  I was raised and am still a devout Seventh-day Adventist Christian.  I find my faith to be the greatest source of meaning in my life.  It is super important to me. But I don’t think my faith has all the answers or that the answers I’ve grown up with are perfect.  Far from it.  I see a lot of value in learning from others and borrowing ideas from other faiths…  in deliberately growing.

But when it comes to dating and marriage, I basically stuck to my own.  I dated and married Jammie, an Adventist girl.  I am happy to announce that we just happily passed the two-year mark in our marriage and I could not be happier!

Some of the reasons I decided to date and marry within my faith were cultural:

Dating someone of your religion is less hassle – There are things about every subculture that are a little special.  I’ve had many a good conversation with Muslim, Jewish, Baha’i and Hindu friends and they all have funny stories about the things their families and faith communities do that seem absurd to everyone else.

Adventists, for example, wash each other’s feet at communion, have a charming obsession with vegetarian potlucks (although more than half of them will gladly eat meat at home) don’t drink (unless they are “liberal” European or Californian) and until recently had three socially acceptable career paths for their kids: teacher, pastor or anything medical.

Understanding all the rules, ideas and stories that condition Adventists to behave like this takes a while.  Dating another Adventist saves you having to explain everything.  It makes sense.  Similarly, I don’t blame my Muslim friends for marrying other Muslims or think that sites like JDate.com don’t have a valuable place in Jewish communities.

Dating someone outside of your religion can be an unnecessary fight starter – Jovial debates about cultural peculiarities are just the beginning.  The classic “serious” scenario is child rearing.  Religious differences can be overlooked until kids enter the picture and you can’t agree on a tradition in which to raise a child.  All of a sudden things get tense.  Fights break out.  Kids are confused and predisposed to hating on something as potentially divisive as faith when really faith should be a source of strength.

And then the caveat…

Having said the above, I know plenty of exceptions to my self-imposed dating rules.  I know happy couples and families that seem to successfully transcend religious differences.  They have developed a hybrid culture where both traditions are respected and celebrated. I have often wondered how they do it.  Am I too entrenched in my religious ideas?  Did I grow up in a weirder subculture than they did?  Was it the veggie meat?  What happened?

Rather than going around asking themselves how to find someone to date that believes all the same things or trying to convert romantic partners through some form of ‘dating evangelism”, they have decided to focus on other common ground and let the religious differences simply be.

Instead of scouring denominational online dating sites or paying faith-based dating services (big biz by the way…), they have connected with their partners as they have met them through life circumstances.  Their list of dating tips doesn’t start with “Go Adventist/Baptist/Buddhist”.

Where do you stand on all this?

How important should religion be in dating?  Should you hold out and try to find a date that believes the same way as you or is it not that important?  I would love to hear your views in the comment section.  CultureMutt is a place to discuss and understand cultural issues in order to make this world a better place.  We are not going to vote you up or down based on your view.  But do add to the conversation… there are epiphanies waiting to happen…

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A prosperity gospel church sign in a converted theater in downtown Buenos Aires

Is it OK to pray for riches? Should I go to the church in my new Flores, Buenos Aires neighborhood that promises me financial prosperity in return for a donation?

Let me back up a bit. Jammie and I said goodbye to our friends in Bangkok and flew to Buenos Aires about a week and a half ago. By our second day in the city we had found and moved into a fun 2-bedroom apartment in Flores, the district that Pope Francis is from.

About five minutes’ walk from our apartment here in the Flores district of Buenos Aires is a church. This church happens to be all about cash. And praying to God for more of it. There are tons of these churches, strewn all over Buenos Aires and much of the world.

Prosperity Prayers inside one of the churches I visited last week...

We visited one of these “prosperity gospel” churches. Within 10 minutes of our sitting down, we had an envelope that said in no uncertain terms, “give to this ministry and you will be economically blessed.” They even had tick boxes so you could indicate exactly how you wanted to be blessed.

Prayer for the financial life...

The Prosperity Gospel
The message/product these churches sell is commonly called “prosperity theology”. Here’s the Wikipedia definition:
“Prosperity theology (sometimes referred to as the prosperity gospel or the health and wealth gospel) is a Christian religious doctrine that financial blessing is the will of God for Christians, and that faith, positive speech, and donations to Christian ministries will always increase one’s material wealth.”

Is there anything wrong with the prosperity gospel?
No matter where we travel in the world and no matter what the cultural mix, there is always a strong following for some form of “prosperity gospel” – whether it is the Christian variety defined above – or that of another faith where your material standing is a reflection of status with the gods based on this life’s behavior or something you did in a previous life…

Especially in economically starved times, people are really craving a supernatural remedy to their cash flow problems.  On the one hand, as someone of faith I feel anxiety about presenting God as an ATM machine, especially if the ATM only works with the help of a donation to a specific ministry.

However, I also believe that you can do a lot of good on this earth by representing spirituality as something that not only helps the soul but as a force for good that can also lead to success in this life.  I know on a personal level that my faith propelled me to my personal accomplishments.  I don’t see God as an ATM but I do believe that he wants to give and give abundantly.

Hold your fire.

As much as a lot of pastors I know shoot down the prosperity gospel, I actually agree with some of what the prosperity crowd espouses.  Instead of exploiting low income church attendees by telling them that God will be their Santa Claus if they donate to them, a lot of the megachurch pastors that are often tied to the prosperity gospel generation, are simply teaching practical Christianity – work hard, do good and bless others and you will be blessed yourself.

Jealous Pastors
Some of the strongest criticism of these churches seems to come from pastors of smaller churches that are struggling with attendance.  They can’t compete with a large, buzzing church so they turn to criticizing.

I have talked to a number of them and listened to them gripe.. a few weeks ago I was talking to a sour ex-pastor who called the prosperity gospel “B.S.”.  Helpful attitude there, Rev.  Sometimes I feel like these critics themselves could take a few lessons from the prosperity gospel crowd rather than harping on with their gloomy, supposedly expository gabble.

Some minsters commonly tied to the prosperity gospel movement, like Benny Hinn seem to court controversy at every turn. Others, like Joel Osteen, I am perfectly fine with.  “Honor God, think positively and live with an abundance mentality” is hardly an objectionable position to take.

What’s the alternative?

I have no quarrel with a balanced approach to faith. But seriously, would it hurt these gloomy evangelicals that blast the prosperity gospel crowd to lighten up? There is nothing wrong with acknowledging what is wrong about life and that there is darkness to contend with. It is absolutely right to condemn cash schemes where televangelists demand cash donations in return for a guarantee of God’s blessing. But realize that hope for the present is what a lot of people need right now.  You can do a lot of good by encouraging people to aim higher and seek more in this life.  As much as it sounds very Tony Robbins, there is something to be said for living life with an attitude of expectancy. There is something to be said for visualizing and having faith in a better future.  There is nothing wrong with this.  It is not just vain hope mongering, living life with an positive outlook actually works.

Gotta have faith…

Do we just not have enough faith? Maybe if you had enough faith things really would materialize. If we are tempted to get snarky the next time we hear a prosperity gospel sermon, maybe it is time to get practical and give it a try. Genuine, positive and practical faith can be the strongest driver of international do-gooding there is.

What do you think? If you are a person of faith reading this, do I deserve to be burned at the stake? If you are secular, do you think I am crazy? Or are we on to something here.  Feel free to disagree or love on me in the comments:)

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Nana... the main "sex for hire" area for expats in Bangkok

Huge risk

“They actually walk up to bar girls and other trafficked women in bars and brothels and try to offer them ways to escape.

I was listening to a friend of mine who I’ll call Kim.

“It’s a really bold approach. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it really backfires. When it works they can sometimes work with a UN agency that can transport the trafficked women back to their home countries. When it backfires the pimps find out, it gets ugly and you’ve got to get out quick.”

Jammie and I leaned in with interest. We had never heard of any organization tackling sex slavery this directly.

The trap of sex slavery

“Sometimes they can get enough time with the girls that they are able to befriend them.

The stories are so sad. Whether they are Thai women from up north or young Cambodian or Burmese girls, many come here because they are promised well-paid work through which they can support their families. When they get to Bangkok they are forced into the sex industry.”

Kim continued “It’s very hard to leave. Thai girls that are forced into prostitution are often controlled by pimps that threaten them and hold them in economic bondage.

Due to their low levels of education, prostitution is often the most lucrative work available. If they don’t bring in enough “work” they are fined by their handlers and they fall into debt. It’s nasty.

With foreign girls it is even worse because they are often here illegally. Unless they cooperate with their employers, they can be reported to the authorities and locked up at the Immigration Detention Center without documentation.”

It was deeply depressing to listen to.  And the results of what Kim was describing are on open display in Bangkok.

The sexpats that fuel human trafficking

Walk down the street after dark in areas like the Nana district of Bangkok (a major shopping and eating area) and you will see middle-aged male tourists leaning in to negotiate prices with Thai bar girls.

Everywhere you look, men are pulling purchased women into cabs and others are being stopped in the street by prostitutes pressured to meet quotas.

Fighting back

As much as most visitors to Bangkok are shocked by the strength of the sex industry, and while many Thais and foreigners agree that something must be done, most are left scratching their heads about what to actually do to help.

Which brings me back to what Kim was talking about. There are a handful of organizations that are tackling the issue aggressively.

To protect individuals and “undercover” organizations from unwanted mafia-like intervention, I am going to omit names of specific individuals and organizations.

Heroes

But I will say that I have the utmost admiration for their bravery and willingness to step up to the plate.

One lady that I talked to had moved to Bangkok from the US with her husband and kids to work with a ministry that taught ex prostitutes valuable life skills including how to make a decent living making jewelry.

A handful of organizations do what Kim described at the top of this post:  Female aid workers walk Nana, Soi Cowboy and Patpong (the biggest red light districts) and try to start a dialogue with bar girls, massage parlor (often a front for brothels) staff and other prostitutes.

They befriend their contacts and offer them alternate ways to make a living or ways to get the financial and legal means to return to their home countries if they are foreign.

It is hard work. Although prostitution is technically illegal in Thailand, police are paid off by pimps and bar owners to look the other way. So it is hard to count on support from the authorities.

Sometimes you feel like you are not even making the smallest dent in the problem. Everything feels hopeless and the challenges of fighting sex slavery seem insurmountable.

Not impossible!!

But I want to end on an admittedly sentimental note: As I write these words I am on a British Airways flight 32,000 feet above Russia. Jammie and I have completed our three months in Bangkok and are headed to Buenos Aires to start our work there.

It’s hard not to feel a twinge of emotion as I think back to the orphans we said goodbye to a few hours ago, the inmates that we had the privilege of working with and the dozens of friends that we made during our time in Thailand. We leave feeling incredibly inspired by the stories they have told us and the way each of them works to improve their community, their city.

One of the most inspirational things I got to personally witness happened during the coffee hour at a church I visited one Sunday.

I was quizzing an aid worker and she told me about the results of her organization’s work fighting the sex industry.

“There’s an entire table over there full of women that have been liberated from prostitution. They are now making a living for themselves and their families creating jewelry. This can work. They can have a brighter future!”

Indeed they can.

This, my final post before I start chronicling our Argentina adventures, is dedicated to the brave heroes that take the risks to rescue those that are currently enslaved. We will forever be inspired by your bravery, dedication and service. Thank you, thank you, thank you for what you do.

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Me being all contemplative...

Is it racist to only date people of your own race?

Last weekend I ran into one of my ‘aunties’, a friend of the family from way back in the 80s when my family lived in Hong Kong. We were both surprised to be meeting the other over 20 years later in Bangkok.

She is Malaysian and was amused when I introduced her to my wife, Jammie who is Filipina American. “You know, a lot of you Western kids that grew up in Asia married Asians and my daughter married a white guy!”

The chance meeting and our conversation got me thinking about how common interracial dating and marriage is nowadays.  Whether it is as a result of online dating sites or in person meetings, interracial couples have never been more common.

In some circles it is so common to date across ethnic lines that those who refuse to do so are regarded suspiciously.

The question in the title of this post gets asked in different ways: “What’s up with that girl? Is she racist or something? How come she’ll only date her own kind?”

To automatically jump to this conclusion is obviously stupid. This is fundamentally flawed thinking and people that think this way are revealing their own stunted growth when it comes to race relations.  You would be foolish to take their dating advice.

Everyone should be given the benefit of the doubt.

Those that push back on such “easy” conclusions argue that, “Sure, there are prejudiced reasons to only date people on your race, just as there are prejudiced reasons to not date those of your own race or to date exclusively white girls, say. But the mere fact that you prefer your own race shouldn’t mean something is wrong.”

Where prejudice creeps in…

So far, I agree. Fair enough. But here’s where it gets dicey:

Dating only your own race is often explained as a matter of taste: “I’m just not attracted to any other race.”  But often this betrays deeper prejudice.

Like a distrust of those of another race that doesn’t allow for the attraction in the first place. This is prejudiced. Don’t blame taste when the underlying problem is your own narrow-mindedness.

Prejudiced parents

Similarly, often racism in your family’s cultural tradition leads to racist dating decisions in your own. “My parents would flip if I brought home someone of another race.”

I’ve heard it so many times. And yes, that is a legit concern. You generally want your parents blessing, right?  Sure, it is generally a good thing to listen to dating advice from your parents. But are you going to allow their prejudice to decide your future?

Are you going to let the outdated dictates of former generations decide how you impact the world? Don’t just opt for convenience. I’m not advocating a casual disregard for sincere parental dating advice. But somewhere the line will need to be drawn. Somewhere you must become your own person.

Love isn’t a political statement

On the flip side, dating and marriage is not about making social or political statements. Don’t just date cross culturally because it is trendy.  Love is unpredictable and irrational.  Be brave enough to accept this and not fret too much about racial close-mindedness.

I will say this from personal experience (and I’ve heard very similar things from other mixed couples): Taking a careful look at why we date like we do and being open to some adventure is something we all owe to ourselves.

Interracial dating and marriage can be one of the most fulfilling, meaningful life decisions we make.

So go forth and mix it up!

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Bjorn Karlman Bangkok, Thailand

A family I came across, begging in the Nana district of Bangkok....

It kills me every time. Walking past beggars in Bangkok is harder than it is in most of the places I have lived around the world. There is something about the depth of desperation and despair that just feels more acute here.

You may see an amputee with no legs, dragging himself across the sidewalk amidst the storm of pedestrian traffic. Or it may be a mother with two tiny babies, holding up a soda cup on top of a foot bridge.  Or it could be the dad with his two kids (pictured), pleading for change outside 7-Eleven.  It’s hard to know how to respond.

I wrote a post – Should you give to beggars? – when I still lived in Northern California. At the time I lived in a college town with a large population of transient 20 somethings that begged for cash. The knowledge that there were relatively well-funded shelters nearby and the fact that the travelers looked to be in good physical shape made it easier to walk past. In Bangkok, the same is not true.

Here are the questions I struggle with in Bangkok.  I’d would really like to hear your ideas and reactions in the comments. Jammie and I really want to make a difference out here, however we can:

Does the fact that begging is professionally organized make it unwise to give? It’s no secret: begging in Bangkok is an extension of organized crime. Beggars are organized by bosses that function much the same way pimps do in prostitution rings. It is merciless and pure exploitation. There is no doubt the beggar is suffering. The problem with giving them cash is that the money goes back to the bosses and the beggars only get a pittance.  Google “beggar mafia Bangkok” to see what I mean.

Will my giving help? – If the bosses take the cash, how will my giving help? In an immediate sense, giving beggars food instead of cash will help meet needs like basic nutrition. But it does little to address their larger needs like shelter, security and healthcare.

Is it OK to simply help aid organizations? I used to think that the real answer was to give to charitable organizations that would in turn help the people. After spending half a decade in the world of professional fundraising though, I know that a lot of my cash will go to things I don’t support, like executive salaries that are often in the six figure range.

How much is enough? So I am caught in a quandary. I still give to organizations that I believe are ethical, not overly top-heavy and make a difference but between that and the occasional direct gift to someone in need, I think “how much is enough?”

What is the bigger picture? Most professional aid workers I talk to will talk about the big picture of poverty alleviation. Often politics come into play. The right will say that you “have to allow people to fail and learn to help themselves.” The left claims you “can’t pull yourself up by the bootstraps if you don’t have boots” and then tries to justify another government program as a solution. I am not convinced by either approach.

No response is going to be perfect (this is easy to see) but this cannot freeze me in undecided inaction. I’ve got to start somewhere.

As mentioned before, Jammie and I are currently working with an orphanage and with prison visitation. We want to expand our work to help homeless beggars. Help us think of an effective way to help beggars by leaving a comment with your thoughts and suggestions. We are all in this together.

Thanks in advance for your comments!

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Bjorn Karlman Bangkok, Thailand

In a replica of an old Thai church at Ancient Siam, near Bangkok....

“It pissed me off. I just couldn’t handle it. It was as if you had to buy into Jesus before they would help you!” Annika set her coffee cup down hard on the table and looked across at me.

Jammie and I had been doing weekly orphanage and prison visits here in Bangkok as part of our service work. We’d caught wind of some interesting work being done to encourage entrepreneurship among young women in the Bangkok slums and, here I was, quizzing Annika, a Swedish expat, about it.

“I finally had to part ways with the Christians I was working with in the slums,” she said. “I am not a Christian, I just want to help. They, on the other hand seemed to think that it was only OK to help if they racked up a few conversions.”

I sympathized with Annika. I am a Christian and the quid pro quo she was complaining about bothered me too. It reminded me of the time I had done some research on homeless shelters on skid row in Los Angeles. The one I visited made you sit through Christian chapel before they would feed you. I admired the generosity of the shelter and their desire to help. But I couldn’t shake the sick feeling I had about their methods.

It all seemed wrong somehow. Here’s my reasoning. I would love to hear your ideas in the comment section:

1). You are exploiting weakness – All kinds of scandals are bred around aid organizations. When one party with ample resources is helping another that is desperate, power is often abused. When Christian (or other religious) aid organizations require Bible studies, religious services or outright conversion in return for food and shelter, that is exploitation, plain and simple, no matter how much the administrators believe they are “helping”.

2). Faith just doesn’t work that way – You can’t force faith. I find my faith to be the most meaningful thing in my life. But I’m willing to bet that I wouldn’t feel that way if it had been forced on me. There simply is no buy-in with coercion. As the Christian colonizers of old proved when they forced conquered peoples into baptism: faith, when forced, is only skin deep (the locals retained their ancient religious beliefs while putting on an outward religious “show” for their colonizers).

3). The “What’s in it for me?” factor – You can’t offer genuine, focused aid to someone if, all the while, you have an ulterior motive. If you are simply trying to fill pews at church, your “aid” efforts will come across as hollow and insincere. The aid is about the people being reached, not about the giver or his views.

4). Aid becomes a transaction – When people catch on and realize that they simply need to profess faith to receive aid, many will gladly do so. Faith becomes currency and the whole process is corrupted. Rather than help the disadvantaged become self-sufficient, this “faith for aid” transaction encourages dependency and dishonesty.

5). You cheapen religion – I am not against religion. I am actually hugely in favor of a sincere, compassionate, generous out-living of faith through the practice of religion. But trying to purchase believers through aid packages cheapens religion. It is completely shortsighted and makes a mockery of true religion.

Obviously, not everyone agrees with my reasoning. There are passionate defenders of charities and nonprofits that require at least some exposure to religion before they will help the disadvantaged. They argue that this is the best way to really help those that are suffering, that they are helping the “whole” person.

What do you think? Where is the line? What is the best way for religious charities and other organizations to offer help to those that need it? Tell me in the comments.

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Bjorn Karlman Bangkok, Thailand

Love is in the air... a pic from a gala in Northern California, during the Jammie & Bjorn dating days...

Regular CultureMutt readers could be forgiven for thinking that I am against international dating and specifically the huge international trend of dating Asian women, (Asian dating for short) because of posts like my last one. But they would be wrong.

I think Asian dating rocks. I married an Asian girl for goodness sake. I’m against exploitation in dating but I realize that the mere fact that a foreigner dates an Asian girl doesn’t at all mean anything wrong has taken place. (Nor does the fact that they met online… I’ll do another post on Asian dating sites). In fact, I completely recommend Asian dating. Here’s why:

1). Asian girls are often very classy – I am obviously going to have to over-generalize in this kind of a post. Not all Asian girls are going to match the broader trends. But in general, Asian women are extremely classy. I would venture to say that they are the classiest women on earth. Everybody has their own taste but most men want a classy woman… Asian women are the answer.

2). Asian girls often have solid values – I don’t want to understate the impact of culture clash in interracial and inter-cultural relationships but the simple fact is that Asian culture is big on respect and the importance of loyalty and family. Asian women take this very seriously. This is a huge plus.

3). Mixing it up is exciting – Why be boring and always stick to your own race while dating? This is the 21st century. Get out there and date across cultures. Asian dating allows you to discover a very different culture and this will help you grow. This is fun and exciting and gives life some flavor that would not be there if you stayed in Kansas, so to speak.

4). Asian women make great wives – This is not just something that people say. Asian dating often leads to marrying an Asian. Asian women value faithfulness and the family unit. Asian women will generally stick with their husbands through thick and thin. They are supportive and caring. Respect her and love her and you will have yourself a wonderful marriage. Trust me, I consider myself very fortunate in my marriage.

5.) Asian dating includes the whole family – Much of Asian life revolves around the family unit. Yes, this can mean that you have to talk to that nosy aunty more than you would like but it also means that you really nurture the relationships that should be most important – those of the family, both nuclear and extended. If this is not yet a reality for you, Asian dating will cure you quickly. By the weekend of the first week Jammie and I dated, I was over for family dinner.

6). Great food is ever-present in Asian dating – This may sound like a superficial reason to promote Asian dating but I’m sorry, it is a great reason to date an Asian girl (or guy BTW). It is very hard to go wrong with Asian food. If you date an Asian girl, the restaurants you go to, the meals you eat in and the potlucks you will inevitably find yourself hitting, will be fantastic.

7). They are up for it – This varies a little or a lot depending on what Asian country the girl or her parents are from and where you are from but generally speaking, Asian girls are very open to dating someone that is not from their culture. Trust me, this is your golden opportunity. Go for it!

8). Asian dating helps YOU grow – Healthy dating that is mutually respectful can be one of the most helpful experiences in life. This goes for dating anyone. Add to that the element of international flavor brought by Asian dating and you have a genuine growth experience that is very, very good for you, especially if you are someone that has never traveled. You will be better rounded and more open-minded thanks to the relationship.

9). Cute, cute babies – Yes, there are some definite exceptions to this rule, but most often, mixed babies that are half Asian are super cute. My little nephew was born just before Jammie and I got married. He is half Filipino, half Mexican, bias aside, he is a seriously cute little boy. Be fruitful and multiply.

OK, that’s it for now. Add to my list or tell me I’m wrong in the comments. But whatever you do, if you are single, consider the possibility that Asian dating may be just the thing you were looking for

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Bjorn Karlman Bangkok, Thailand

Soi Cowboy - one of Bangkok's main red light districts....

I grew up seeing it all the times in the Philippines. I even wrote a CultureMutt post about it a while ago: ugly old white guys with hot Filipina girls. Although it was surprising at first, you got used to seeing it. As soon as Jammie and I landed in Thailand we started to see the same thing here. Only it was even more prevalent. AND it felt like there was an even seedier undertone.

Everywhere you look in the touristy corners of Bangkok, white, middle-aged travelers have a hot Thai girl in tow. Jammie and I have asked our local friends about this and here are a few explanations we’ve been given for why Thai girls go for these men:

Worst Case Scenario – As depressing as it is, it needs to be said: prostitution is alive and well in Bangkok. Areas like Patpong, Nana and Soi Cowboy are teeming with sexpats and Asian prostitutes. For many, prostitution has become a form of modern-day slavery.

Jammie and I will be collaborating with a group that is working to prevent child prostitution later during our stay in Thailand. Key to solving the problem is presenting viable economic alternatives to families. Prostitution has often been seen as the most lucrative profession for young women with little education and other earning options. One of the best ways to fight prostitution is to present better ways to earn a living.

White Men are Seen As Affluent – A lot of older white men in Thailand are traveling on little more than their Social Security checks. Although this is not much to live on back home, this income puts them in a higher income category than most Thais. So the stereotype of the wealthy white foreigner is understandable. Just as rich guys in the West attract hot women, white men here are seen as wealthy and therefore attract hot Thai girls.

Better Living in Thailand – The dollar or euro stretches far in Thailand and the average old white guy looking for a hot Thai girl is going to live at a relatively high standard of living while they are in Thailand. Even if there is nothing else in the cards, this alone will motivate some Thai women to want to be with tourists.

A Way Out of Thailand – Here’s the bigger goal for many Thai women: go home with the tourist. As in all the way home and out of Thailand. And that’s how you get old white guys hobbling around with hot Thai girls back home. It looks crazy but when you understand why it happens, it starts to explain things.

They Actually Prefer White Guys – This part came as a bit of a surprise to me. And it’s good news for white dudes wanting to snag a hot Thai girl: she may actually prefer white guys. For reasons other than just finances. What are these reasons? Keep reading.

They Think White Men Will Be Better Husbands – It is a sad nonsecret in Thailand. Married Thai men often have mistresses. Now obviously marital unfaithfulness is not exactly rare in the US or Europe either. The difference comes in the degree of social acceptance of mistresses. It happens a lot in Thailand. Much more than it does in Western countries.

And Better Boyfriends Single Thai guys often have lots of different girls going at the same time. Again, I’m not saying that you don’t get a lot of players stateside but the idea of only having one girlfriend at a time is more of a cultural norm in the West.

Thai women know all this and therefore many of them prefer the farang (foreigner) because he is more likely to be faithful.

They Find White Guys Exotic – Here’s a crowd pleaser to end with. Whenever you are up against a numbers game and a certain kind of man is a rarity, the laws of supply and demand come into play. One trend that I have seen more and more of over the years in Asia is hot local girls with equally attractive foreigners. At least part of the reason for this is a much more “normal” one: opposites attract and because there aren’t a lot of foreigners around they are a bit of a catch.

Over to you: Are you in an interracial relationship in Thailand or Asia? Or do you know someone that is? How would you add to the above list? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comment section.

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Bjorn Karlman

Bangkok, Thailand

Happy Valentines 2013 from Bangkok!!

Here’s a little break from the usual programming to share a little video adventure of our Valentine’s Day in Bangkok.  We’ve got clips from our Valentines adventure all over the city, including one of me lying on a bed of nails.  Enjoy!

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Bjorn Karlman

Bangkok, Thailand